


You fell from the sky onto my ground

by RookieBrown



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clexa Endgame, F/F, Fluff and Fluff, may we meet again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-26 17:08:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 40,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6248407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RookieBrown/pseuds/RookieBrown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.</p>
<p>Clexa "Alternate Universe Modern Era" Endgame</p>
<p>P.S. RIP (Return If Possible) Heda Lexa</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In The City That Never Sleeps, I keep dreaming of you

**Author's Note:**

> It's totes original and apologies for any stupid mistakes. I hope that you'll all enjoy my Clexa ride!!

 

Clarke had deliberately taken the road trip from California to New York.  She kept giving the same answers she had given to everyone who asked her why she was taking a nearly 2 day road trip to New York when she could perfectly avail the airways, _I’m kinda stressed for my showcase and I think some open air will do good_. She kept saying those words, as if trying to convince herself.

 

Yes, she was worried about her new paintings that were to be showcased in the renowned Trikru gallery. Who wouldn’t be? The Trikru Art Foundations had made a name for themselves for being the best, by becoming that platform for only those selected few artists who a commoner might never have even heard off. But when all the known artisans come to review your work, it’s not long to have your name in everyone’s mouth. So yes, Clarke had been nervous but excited too.

 

But undermining all, it was Bellamy’s proposal that was nagging her. They had been dating for nearly a year now, but when he went down to his knees, and held out a princess cut ring, Clarke was taken by surprise. She was. Bellamy had been everything she could hope for - a great friend , he took care of her, a confidante of sorts not to  forget he was O’s brother and they were also very physically compatible and since ever since his café-cum-bar “Grounders” opened, there had been no turning back. And above all, he loved her. And, yes she loved him too. And so she said yes.

 

Then why, was she hesitating? She kept drumming her fingers on the wheel and finally opened her phone and looked at the picture, she still had. The forest green eyes, the loose wavy hair falling lazily on her sun struck skin. The smiling girl’s arms were wrapped around Clarke whose eyes goofily stared back at her. Time had been frozen in that picture. _Lexa. 3 years. It has been 3 years._

Her fingers dwindled on that delete button on the screen but Clarke couldn’t bare press it, something till date held her back. She shoved it back in her bag. She had reached New York late the previous night and tiredness was already creeping up her bones. She checked her into the Bellevue Hotel , took a quick shower, stripped of her clothing, hastily typed a text to each O and Ray, left a voicemail for Bell and her mom and crashed in her bed. And soon Clarke lulled in sleep that still echoed of green eyes. It wouldn’t be the first time and certainly not the last.

 

The June sun rays crept through the curtains of her room and fell on her. The sleepy eyes creaked open. It was 8 am and Clarke was supposed to meet Anya today for lunch. Looking down at her ring, she was wondering again. And honestly her head was aching from thinking. So she took out the ring and placed in safely inside the box and slid it in her purse. _For now_. She needed caffeine. Dressing in t-shirt and denim jeans, she headed out for a coffee wrapping the leopard print scarf around the neck.

 New York City was a concrete jungle were all dreams came true was indeed never sleeping. The roads were breezing with people already, mostly who were shagging up their coffees and running to work. Clarke was about to enter a small roadside café when one such guy run past her nearly toppling  her over, leaving a fresh drops of chocolate on her shirt. _Better not be hate huh,_ Clarke scoffed trying to minimize the staining but to no avail. Clarke ordered her mooring poison and sat in an empty booth, and unknow-est she touched the place where once her ring was.  She didn’t know she was so lost in her train of thoughts, not until a hand jotted her out of it. 

 

“Clarke?,” said that ohh too familiar voice. Clarke might still have been in her haze of thoughts, when that voice talked again, “Clarke Griffin?”

 

Clarke then looked up to that owner of the said voice. A tall leggy brunette with doe eyes, smiling at her. _That tall leggy brunette with doe eyes_. Clarke remembered her far too vividly, and to she her so close for in here put of all places _. Ain’t fate a bitch._  

 

Clarke must have shown no sign of recognition, so the brunette went to introduce herself, “You must not remember me, I’m……..”

 

“…Costia. I remember you well”, Clarke begrudged-ly finished for her. _Yes, too well, for my_ _liking.  Lexa’s Costia._

 

“Oh well, that’s good. I just thought , you know, since it’s been quite a while.”, Costia said smiling. “Mind if I seat?”

 

Clarke jotted again. _Yes, a morning with Costia, that to soo early . What  good deeds has she done to deserve this., Clarke thought sarcastically._

 

But she knew how to draw up the perfect pretence of a smile, she done it too much already. Her eyes curiously eyed that Costia’s gold band , wrapped in her ring finger. So giving Costia , the Griffin signature smile, Clarke greeted her, “Yes, sorry. Where are my manners?. Please sit. So what would you like to have?”

 

“Oh no, I have already ordered”, Costia shook her head, “So, I didn’t know you were a New Yorker? Or are you simply visiting?”

 

 _Small talk_ , that Clarke can do. Yes. _And Costia hadn’t don’t anything to her. It was her. Did she even know?_   “Well, my showcase is going to be presented by the Trikru Gallery this week. There were some last minute details and stuff”

 

“The Trikru Gallery? Wow. Well I guess I should be taking your autograph now before you become the new sensation huh”, Costia stated sweetly. She herself was a pioneer of arts. She knew Clarke had always been good just didn’t know she was this good. Well, Lexa was right. She was glad.

 

Clarke actually smiled. It was small but she smiled. She asked her how she was doing. Costia put it out simply that, life’s been going good for her now, New York was always in a fast pace, her clinic was doing good and she was expecting soon. _She was expecting soon? Soon ? What the bloody hell ? It might not be what she was thinking was it?_  Clarke might actually need something stronger now, like a carton of whiskey perhaps?

 

“Expecting? Like baby,  babies expecting?”, Clarke stammered out. She just had to ask. Yes, ok, she might actually vomit. The question that had been burning in her, to know how Lexa was, maybe she missed her a little but no, she was had already moved on with her life. _Without her._

 

“Yes, baby, not babies. We had applied to for adoption but the process per se is so lengthy and there are too many orphaned children these days…” Costia left that sentence, smiling happily.

 

They were happy. So happy. Clarke felt angry, ashamed. Its not like Lexa and she made promises that she was obligated to keep, it’s not like they were something. But they weren’t not nothing either. She must move on too. She had to.

For her sake. Her face was getting warm. She knew the moment she would get out of these shop, she’ll burst in tears, but she had to know one last thing. She had to ask.

“Is she happy? “

 

Costia appeared, to what seemed to Clarke, a bit confused.  She halted before replying, “Well if you are talking about Lexa yes, she’s definitely better than she was in the past.” Costia still sounded confused.

 

“Hey”, a voice said, as he leaned in to kiss her cheek “Here’s your green tea. Well, drink it then we’ll have to head out.” The dirty blonde guy then turned at Clarke who couldn’t believe what was happening. _What is happening?_  

 

“Oh yes, I forgot to introduce you both”, Costia said while sipping her tea, “ Clarke, this is Dylan Skylar, my partner. And Dylan, this is Clarke Griffin the soon-to-be art sensation.” Dylan held out his hand but Clarke feebly shook his hand asking , “Out of curiosity, how long have you been married?”

 

Costia could see that the blush creep on Dylan so she choose to answer for him.

 

“We aren’t married….yet at least.” As if on assurance, she slowly patted her hand on his.

 

 “Are you alright , Clarke?”, concerned Costia asked her.

 

“Yes, tired a bit. I’m going to go. Why don’t we talk later?”, Clarke suggested and as immediately Costia took hold of Clarke’s phone and saved her contact number in it.

 

“Ok, sure. We’ll definitely talk but are you sure you are alright? We can drop you off at your hotel”, Costia suggested and Dylan was already taking out his keys but Clarke reluctantly refused, “Its just a few blocks, I’ll be ok. Bye”. And they waved their byes.

 

Clarke barely reached her hotel room when the feeling of nausea made her run over to the bathroom., vomiting the contents out. She hadn’t eaten anything apart from the coffee and that bagel anyway. _Nothing was making sense. No. No. Clarke stopped herself. She wouldn’t ruin herself again by thinking about her._ Her head felt light and kicking of her shoes she snuggled inside the fluffy bed sheets. They were really soft and fluffy.

 

**Clarke was walking from the grocery store. Two paper bags full and walking all the distance, that to under the blazing sun in July of California was giving her a migraine. Her car, why didn’t she drive yes, that is a  good question.**

**Her car was supposedly sitting in her garage due to a busted tire and broken glasses since last night someone thought it would be a good idea to go for a drive out in a drunken state. Raven has yet to suffer her wrath. And above all, when Clarke had woken up to a groveling stomach the fridge was empty. Well if you can count some millennium old yogurt and a bit frozen pizza ,as food! So Clarke had to walk.**

**Clarke was barely struggling with her bags when something tickled down her leg.  Ok she was imagining things. She walked a few steps with something tickled, no, rather licked her leg. She glanced down and a massive bull dog with big chocolate eyes was staring back at her blue ones and wagging his tail. Clarke might just be a tad bit afraid of dogs, especially massive dogs with saliva dripping down their mouth.**

 

**“Shoo… go, boy. Go” coyly Clarke said but to know avail. It just sat and stared back. And then it happened.  She started to move, ok, sort of ran when the dog chased her and practically jumped over her making Clarke, fall on her butt, dispelling all her food and contents., “Jesus”, she exclaimed from pain and also the dog who was licking her face now. “Get off me….”**

 

**“Fluffy? Hey boy ,come here” came a voice from the distant. The dog immediately ran to the said person. Who happened to be a girl. A very beautiful girl. With  braided hair. In denim shorts. And a tee with “Hogwarts” embroidered  on it. _Really? Hogwarts?_**

 

**The girl, not once even glancing at Clarke, took up that monstrosity in her arms and asked, “You , ok, Fluffy?”. _Really? Can she get more surreal?_**

 

**Clarke had enough. She finally voiced herself and pointing to the spilled contents that were a total waste now and to the bruises on her arms, “You are seriously asking that bulldozer if he’s alright? He bulldozed me. And Fluffy? Really? I mean, Fluffy is not even a name and shouldn’t the name bear some sort of similarity to its owner?”,  all the while pointing to the dog.**

 

**Green eyes finally spoke, “Well aren’t you being narrow minded by judging the book by its cover?. And about the bruises, I think you’ll live.  Apply some anti-septic or should I have to buy you that too?” Clarke couldn’t  believe her ears.**

 

**“And those contents from where I can see they are not going to be a total waste…” and her eyes pointed out to the contents which were apparently being eaten up by “Fluffy”**

 

**Clarke raised her eyebrows at that. “yup, he can eat anything. I even fed him some rum once, he lived through it. God has gifted him with such a strong stomach, one , you and I could only dream off. Amen to that”, she simply shrugged her shoulders. Clarke had to turn about to contain her smile.**

 

**“So where to, Goldilocks?” the stranger asked Clarke. Clarke, turned around and waited. “your place or my place?” Clarke’s ear had the growing pink tint and she was about to question her intentions straightforwardly when , “I’m kidding.  Jesus. So grocery  store?”**

 

**When Clarke returned with her necessities, she noticed Green Eyes already chatting up with the blonde counter-girl who not-so-secretively passed her number to her. Lexa must have felt her staring when she glanced at her and then at her carts.**

 

**“Either you are trying to pinch a pocket in my hole or you are being obnoxiously generous today by feeding the whole neighborhood?”. Lexa questioned her, a smile tugging somewhere.**

 

**Clarke was again struggling with the packets and  Fluffy had apparently left Lexa’s side and was following Clarke around.  Lexa was walking ideally beside Clarke and Clarke couldn’t get more frustrated, would it kill her to take a packet?**

 

**“It looks like you need help carrying those”, Lexa said ideally.**

 

**“yes, it would seem so”, Clarke huffed. Each word said with extra pressure.**

 

**They walked a few steps more. Clarke’s hand were killing her. And it didn’t help when the other girl was making obnoxious faces at her.**

 

**_Are your hands killing you_ , she would tease. _Yes_. Clarke would reply. _Your house seems away, long distance to carry the bags,_ she would say. _Yes_. Clarke would reply. She would talk about the weather, how blue the sky seems, how hot it was, how Fluffy was being Fluffy but the distance didn’t shorten. They turned the corner and finally she saw her house. Good heavens.  She almost ran to the porch to lay off the weights. Thank God, she grumbled, stretching her arms.**

**“Hey Grumpy, hands dead or something?”, Lexa just loves toying with her.**

 

**“Well, yes, no thanks to you”, Clarke snapped back.**

 

**“Well, you could have simply asked for my help, oh with a please of course”, Lexa replied without any ounce malice. “I loved it when they say, “pleaseeeee” you know”. Lexa punctuated the last word too much, so much that Clarke slammed the door on her face on that day. And that was how Clarke Griffin met Lexa Woods.**

 

Clarke’s eyes well on the alarm ringing from her phone. _Oh, shit_. _She’s going to running late_. She looked at herself in the mirror. _She felt so tired._  Washing her face again, she dressed herself in  a tailored white blouse with a navy blue pencil skirt . Straightening  her hair , giving herself one final look , she headed out with her handbag.

 

The Trikru gallery was everything she had hoped for and more.  The collection of modern and contemporary art at the Gallery was noteworthy for exemplary works from the 20th century and the early years of the 21st century. Particular strengths that stood out was the outstanding collection of mid-20th-century American paintings. The clicking of heels on the porcelain floor echoed the empty room. There stood in the middle on the room dressed in absolute contrast to the white, Director Anya Trikru, or so Clarke presumed from the extremely poised way she stood in a short black dress with a blazer topping it. 

 

Not that Clarke knew it for sure, but word was it that Anya Trikru wasn’t even in the art business, it was in a way her secondary job but her desire to be the best in about everything had turned her into what she was today : A woman who deserved, no almost demanded respect. And Clarke respected her for that.

 

“Hello, you must Miss Griffin”, the voice said, “And you are late”. Yes, definitely Anya Trikru. She loved punctuality, apparently.

 

“Yes, I’m late by merely 5 minutes and you may call me Clarke”, Clarke held out her hand and the woman took it without a work, “Then you may call me Anya, Clarke Griffin. If you may follow me, we have some work to do.”

 

 And that work had apparently stretched for 6 hours straight. From the invitees to the placements of her paintings of space which she would be sharing without another proclaimed sculptor Aleixandre Montez to every other minute details. Anya was apparently nothing short of a perfectionist. And when Clarke whined about the time, Anya had glared her down.  But she was decent enough to let Clarke with her as it had been going on pretty late and when she glanced at her phone, she felt guilty. 4 voice-mails and 8 missed calls from Bellamy.

She walked to her hotel and soon enough she stripped down her dress to her pajamas and settled on the couch. She stared at her phone and scrolled down the contacts list. Costia. Clarke wondered if she should give her a call and thought otherwise. She needed sometime. Instead she found herself dialling Bellamy.

“Geez, who is it?”, he groggily answered his phone, probably didn’t even see the call id.

 

“Hey, it’s me”, Clarke answered into the phone.

 

“Clarke? Clarke, hey I called…….” But Clarke stopped him midway, “I’m sorry, Bell , I was just so tired and the gallery thing here needed some work out. It ended late, so I couldn’t call earlier”

 

“Yeah, that’s ok. So you….”

 

“…. Can I talk to you tomorrow, Bell? I’m hitting the bed.”,  Clarke was already yawning.

 

“Yeah sure. Love you, Princess”, he said sweetly, too sweetly.

 

“As I you. Bye.” And the call ended. Clarke was tired, but sleep wasn’t coming. The clock showed 1.04 am. So she wrapped the night gown around herself and walked out to the balcony. She gazed out at the Empire State and Chrysler buildings standing at what seemed like within arm’s reach. It was picturesque.

The city was brimming with life still, the night didn’t seem so bleak here as it did in California. It irradiated colors, lighting up the stark black sky.  It felt a bit chilly so Clarke clutched her night gown close to her as seated herself comfortable on the long arm chair.  She loved the way New York felt, she was a stranger here, but even midst strangers she felt at home. She again looked up to the city. Indeed it was insomniac. _Insomniac._

**“Insomniac”**

**Lexa, yes that green eyed Casanova actually had a name. She was called Lexa. But she preferred Hot Ass Lexie, since she had a hot ass or so her fan girls told her. Abby, Clarke’s  beloved mother had apparently invited their new neighbor Indra Woods to dinner  so that she would feel welcomed in  the neighborhood and Lexa, her niece came in with her as a package deal.**

**If one saw Indra Woods, then they would categorize her as the "strict, abide by the rules, stick up the ass" kind of a parent but in reality she was that but she was very delicate around Lexa. The small smiles, the warm touches and the stern looks, and that pat on the shoulder.**

**Oh, how could she forget, so had Fluffy the monstrosity as Clarke beautifully called it. It’s a him, Griffin, Lexa would time and again correct her. Lexa had a journalism degree from NYU and presently she was working as a free-lanceror so she told her.**

**And also she had a nag for writing about places she has visited and the list was actually very long. Clarke soon learnt Lexa was a traveler, a dreamer, she was not a constant. Moving to and fro, but never static. And god, she was a storyteller. When Lexa would tell,  Clarke would listen in rapt attention as if she could see it right through her eyes, as if she was with her in that moment. 2 weeks. Clarke had known Lexa two weeks and she was growing on her like a mold on a plant. And so was Fluffy. Slowly.**

**Every comment till date that she said made Clarke roll her eyes but she couldn’t help but smile either.**

**“Insomniac?”**

 

**“Yea, New York City is insomniac”, the way Lexa told her it was as if she was reminiscing her days, “It really is. One day, you should just sit in a balcony of a hotel room and look at the city. Not just look, feel it, you’ll know what I mean.”**

 

**Lexa and Clarke didn’t have anything better to do so they thought to have a movie night. And the movie turned out to be Cleopatra. Fluffy was already drooling on Clarke’s lap and apparently so was Lexa. Her one arm was wrapped over Clarke’s shoulder and her face was somewhat lost midst Clarke’s golden mane. Her breathing was soft and low on her neck and Clarke looked over the face. Lexa looked younger. Innocent. Dare she say, captivating.  Clarke switched off the TV and tired to move from her position, but to no avail.**

 

**Lexa and her mutt, did weigh a ton. No more animal crackers for either of them. Clarke decided to give it one final try, but this time Lexa simply hugged her closer, burrowing her face into her neck. Clarke didn’t see any further usage in trying so gave up and it wasn’t long before she got lulled into sleep in the growing warmth.**

 

**Clark would sometimes wonder where Lexa would disappear, no sign of her, nothing, just disappear as if she was never here.  Maybe she was out another one of her “lady gals” as Lexa so graciously put it so she never bothered asking Lexa where she had been, no matter how much she wanted to and Lexa never bothered telling her.**

**And sometimes she would often feel her staring at her, as if silently asking her to dare to ask her. But Clarke never did. It had been 2 days now and still no sign of Lexa. Clarke had gotten worried. Patience was failing her so she paved her way to Indra’s house.**

 

**“Is Lexa here?”, Clarke nearly barged in, looking around as if waiting for her to poof out from behind a furniture.  But Indra nodded her head in a no but she assured Clarke that she’ll come home soon. She gave her a sad smile, as if trying to convey unspoken thoughts.**

 

**It was nearing to 11pm when there was a knock on her window. More like as if someone was throwing small pebbles at it to get her attention. Clarke got up, she had a few guesses on who it would be at such hour and on opening the window pane she saw a goofily smiling Lexa.**

**Her green eyes were looking at her at a child like innocence . Lexa signalled her to come down. Clarke nodded her head in a negative. Lexa again signalled that if she didn’t come down, she would climb up. Clarke debated and there was a staring contest for 2 mins and then Lexa made a fish gape which made Clarke blink. Cheating, that was so Lexa.**

 

**“Well, I never did play fair,  Prisa”, Lexa whispered in her ears. And then led Clarke to her old Mercedes Benz.  She opened the door for Clarke, but Clarke just shut the door hard. “Easy there, Grumpy, it’s a classic”, delicately touching it as if it were wounded. Then, she again opened the door, gesturing Clarke to get in. Clarke again shut the door but delicately this time.**

 

**“Come on, Prisa, please” and thus Lexa again opened the door. Lexa had Clarke at Prisa, but the word please was a cherry on the top . And this time Clarke slid in.  20 mins, they had been in the car 20 mins but Clarke didn’t talk. Not a single time. No matter how much Lexa insisted . Finally feeling defeated,  Lexa asked her, “Am I forcing my company on you, Clarke?”. The engine stopped and Lexa repeated her question gently.**

 

**“No”, Clarke replied after a pause.**

 

**“ What did I do wrong?”, Lexa couldn’t understand her.**

 

**“You left. Without a word. I never ask you why you leave and you don’t even bother telling  but you could have least told me, I was worried. ”, was all Clarke said looking straight ahead.  Lexa remained silently at her seat, then, moved towards Clarke and forced her chin up to look at her. The blue eyes were glassy.**

 

**“It won’t happen again, Clarke. Next time onwards I’ll tell you.”, Lexa spoke with  finality in her voice and Clarke understood the sincerity behind them.  Lexa didn’t say where she was but she promised her and that was okay for Clarke for now.**

 

**“So where are we going?”, Clarke asked her for the nth time. It had been 35 mins and she was losing her patience, all the while fidgeting with Lexa’s braids. And like 35 mins ago, Lexa just shrugged her shoulders yet again.**

 

**It had not been another 4 mins when the car finally stopped in front of a bar. Bar? Really? As usual, Clarke gave her a questionly look raising her eyebrow.**

 

**“You know, I sometimes wonder what would happen if you eyebrow got stuck there?” Lexa teased almost in a whisper, gesturing Clarke to follow her. “And this, Prisa, is Somona’s best pub with killer cocktails amongst other things. And I thought, you should live a little and what better time than twilight.”**

 

**The pub cum bar might have been a bit deserted out on the front but the interior was screaming with people. Lexa and Clarke went to the bar to order but there were too many heads demanding their poison and far too short hands to hand them over. It had been 20 mins since they had been waiting but their drinks, let alone their pleas were falling in deaf ears.**

 

**“Well that’s a bum.”, Clarke grumbled out.  They stood far end towards the bar with no bartender in view, so adjusting her Bowler hat, Lexa jumped to the other side.**

 

**“What the heck are you doing, Lexa?”, Clarke angrily hushed out. Oh God, Lexa would sure kick us out.**

 

**“What? I thought you wanted a drink, miss?”, Lexa smirked feigning innocence and starting mixing drinks. Her hands flew literally, midst the strainer, muddler and the shakers, licking up the appropiate drinks and finally pouring it out for her. Clarke eyed it for a moment and said, “I didn’t know you were a bartender as well?”**

 

**“Well I can do a lot of pleasurable things with my hands, “ Lexa pointed out , a little red herself and Clarke nearly choked on her drink. “It’s a Boulevardier, by the way. “**

 

**Clarke took a slip and she must say, it was damn good. “ Hmm, that’s very good, Lex. Maybe you should go for bartendering instead. Wherever did you learn it?”**

 

**And their talking’s flew. Sometimes, Lexa would mix a few drinks for the customers who came without any charge, Ok, that was certainly not ok but no one noticed. Nonetheless, not for a moment,  she never took her eyes off Clarke.**

**Even when a apparently hot red-head asked or rather shamelessly offered Lexa a one-night thing all the while leaning over her, flashing her chest, Lexa had immediately refused, she said, she was already  someone’s company. The said redhead took a look at Clarke as if trying to break a hole in her skull before disappearing in the crowd. That was the first time Clarke noticed that Lexa never even looked at others when she was with her, she was just with her.**

**The clock was nearing to 2am and Lexa had yet to do the final thing to end the night.**

 

**“I don’t think the night’s complete without a dance, yes?”, Lexa words brushed over her eyes as she was pulled to the dance floor and yes, Clarke let her sway in the beats of the music with warm arms surrounding hers. It wasmt the same with Raven and Octavia. They were her besties but Lexa was someone, someone that she found special. Her. Only her. There were several instances when Lexa hands would travel down her body and Clarke would press into her, but neither minded. It was comfortable for them both.  Then her phone vibrated and the moment was lost.**

 

**“I’ll be right back” Lexa screamed over the loud music heading for the doors.  Clarke, herself needed to catch her own breathe and was about to leave someone roughly stopped her. It was apparently belonged to an absolute drunkard or so she thought.**

 

**“What’s  a pretty girl like you doing here all alone?” and he words were apparently backed by another 2 or 3 men who nodded their heads as their eyes roamed all over her body. Clarke suddenly felt anger and a twinge of fear flash throug her. The little bit of tipsiness immediately vapoured out of Clarke and she struggled to get her hand free.**

 

**“You are not exactly the type of company I keep, boys” and saying that Clarke her hand to move away from them only to be stopped by another one, “Oh is that so now?”**

 

**“Yes, and if you can get out off my way” but her words fell to deaf ears. They were preying at her as if she was a deer caught in their headlights .**

 

**“When  a lady says no and that too so loud, I think, it means she had rejected you and whole self”, Lexa squeezed her way and wrapped her hands around her waist pulling her out.**

 

**“And what do we have here? Two beautiful women and that too dykes? Maybe you haven’t received the correct treatment, girls” and the first guy who apparently tugged at her, violently seized Lexa pulling her away from her.**

**So Clarke did the first thing she thought. Ok, she didn’t think, at all. Her right hand just went up and smashed the guy’s jaws with her utmost vigour. Pain instantly wormed up her hand and she shrieked but it wasn’t like the guy who’s scream rung through the walls. Her hands were smeared in red and Lexa rushed towards her, uttering the one word, she didn quite expect. “Run, Clarke”**

 

**And they did. It turns out that small town men doesn’t take it very kindly when a girl, yes, a girl punches them hard enough to break her nose adjourning a very black eye. So Lexa took Clarke’s left hand and ran, ran until they were away and safely in the confinements of the car. The engine rumbled into life and by the time, those guys had come out , they were already gone in the wind.**

 

**They didn’t stop until they reached a departmental store where Lexa had get a packet of frozen peas on Clarke’s very swollen hand.**

**“You really shouldn’t have done that”, Lexa finally said. Clarke gave her the eye, like Lexa shouldn’t even be asking that question. She would do that again in a heartbeat! Lexa simply stared at her. No words could convey their thoughts at that moment.**

**“Well, on the bright side, I know what will happen if I pissed off you”, Lexa nudged her softly on the elbow and Clarke laughed.**

 

Clarke had been on the elliptical for quite some time now and when her legs finally gave up she took a break.  While washing up, she tried to massage the neck muscle, it might have accidentally been twinge due to the wrong alignment she had fallen asleep on the arm-chair the three nights ago. Yesterday, she had spent entirely within the four walls of her hotel room and the hotel gym.

And when she had tried to paint, it was the same pair of green eyes staring back at her. She stared at them , as if waiting for them to speak up, why were they torturing her so wordlessly. She huffed and puffed and fumed but still it did her no good.

She couldn’t wait until day after tomorrow. In two short days, finally her art would be showcased in the heart of the City of Love and Anya had been very certain that the turn out would be very appreciable so Clarke was waiting until tomorrow. Her another turning point of her life. Clarke didn’t know if she would ever come to New York again, at least not anytime soon in the future since all life, her work and family were in California, she couldn’t uproot her life just on a whim.

She didn’t find anything in New York yet that would wish her to stay anyway. Clarke hasn’t done much or rather any sightseeing in New York, but she thought she might as well give the much celebrated Central Park a tour. Dressing herself in a green sundress and with brown leggings and deep knee boots, Clarke placed her sketch book inside her bag and made way for the said destination.

 

 

 


	2. Is There Somewhere Only We know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I had a couple of chapters stored up, hence I'm posting it fast, I guess. I'm too lazy to check for editing now.

Clarke found the Central Park a welcome oasis in this mechanical fast paced city , manicured with beautiful flowers and shrubs and the endless green acted at a balm under the blazing heat.

 

Clarke walked and walked, inhaling  the sights that unfolded in front of her eyes – families cherishing their picnic time engulfed with laughter and chaos; tourists roaming around taking pictures, friends and lovers all lost in their own time hole.

 

When she was near the supposed  breathless pacifying waters of “The Lake” of the Central Park, Clarke finally sat down. She  just had to escape from the noise to free her mind from all the routine worries, to clear her thoughts and remind herself that despite how difficult and challenging life can get, trouble wasn't always meant to stay. She seated herself under the drooping shades of the oak trees, legs all stretched out and stared out in search for that inspiration to creep on her.

 

**Clarke was running her hands throught the furry hair of Fluffy who face shone contentment as he snuggled into Clarke’s lap further and her legs where sprawled awkwardly over Lexa’s legs who was very much engrossed in whatever she was reading.**

 

**Lexa wore reading glasses when she read and Clarke had to say, it looked kinda annoyingly nice on her. Throughout her holidays, Clarke had gone accustomed to both Lexa and Fluffy, their talks, their silence and their bittersweet moments in between. It was a relaxed routine which would soon be over when Clarke would be heading back to California University at Berkeley.**

 

**It as around 11 that morning and Clarke was lazily lying there on their porch, with the black pages of her sketch book laying within an arm’s length away from her. It was empty like the so many pages before it.**

 

**“Why don’t you draw?”, Lexa asked taking her nose out of her book,**

**“Actually I have hardly ever seen you draw during your stay here. So why don’t you draw, Clarke?”**

 

**Clarke kept eyeing her book and without taking her eyes off it, she simply shrugged her shoulders, “Nothing quite clicks to me anymore.”**

 

**Lexa chose to remain silent and urged Clarke to continue, “Mr Jefferson told me a few months ago that my paintings were good, very beautiful even but they were too mechanical. He said, my paintings didn’t make him feel anything, they were too neutral so he asked me to find my inspiration. But I can’t. It’s just…not there anymore.”**

 

**Lexa pondered our her book for a while and stood up as if she was struck with a brilliant idea. Eureka, kind of a phase crossed her face. “Have you ever seen the sunset from Grover Beach, Clarke?”**

 

**Clarke made an unsure face and said, “Can’t say that I have.”**

 

**“Well then I haven’t either. It’s barely 10 am now. If we leave right now, we can reach the place to picture frame the sunset. Wanna go?" Lexa said already knowing the answer, “Know what, some light wear with you and meet me at my car in say, 15 mins? Chop, Chop Griffin” and with that Lexa just ran out to her house.**

 

**Fluffy still sat on Clarke’s lap and made no attempt to move. Clarke signed and told him, “Looks like you are with me then.”**

 

**And it was Andrew Belle’s lyrics that buzzed through the air, the serene touch of those words had ran like a smooth wave of calmness over her and Lexa’s soft voice hummed along the lyrics, her fingers drumming the steer wheel.**

 

**_Oh, if you're hearing this_ **   
**_I must have made it through_ **   
**_Oh, when the clouds are burned_ **   
**_Open up my window_ **   
**_I see the sky's still blue_ **

 

**Someone should have seen Fluffy. No sooner he was free of the bounds of the car he ran on the outlines of the beach in lightning bolt chasing the seagulls that chose to find their peace on the grains of sand. he ran  as if he was chasing the winds, no restraints nothing. He thundered down the shores and Lexa ran yelling after him.**

 

**The beach seemed endless and not much people were in view and those who were, where walking hand in hand by the brim of the beach.**

 

**The sky was already in a red blush shade slowly getting overtaken  by a crimson glowing line as the Sun was getting out of view and the salty lips of the waves were kissing the sand roughly.**

 

**Clarke didn’t know what, but maybe it was something about the soothing sounds of the waves , or the endless pallet of colours off the sky or the company love that made Clarke feel weightless.**

 

**Yes, the way Lexa carried Fluffy over in her arms, mildly scolding him with light pats on his head,  walking the line with the black shadows trailing behind her, Clarke knew it was definitely the company of love.**

 

**Lexa led down a blanket of sorts and gestured Clarke to sit over it. There’s a soothing necromancy to the sounds of the sea that can’t be found anywhere else.**

 

**Jake Griffin once told Clarke that heart was the strongest muscle in our body, the heart had the strength to make us come back when we were at the edge.**

 

**Jake Griffin had been her inspiration, her father had been her guide, her philosopher and friend. So when Clarke took up arts in the hopes of being an artist, unlike her mother who, well _saying just disappointed would be an understatement_ , her father stood by her through thick and thin, his hand on her shoulder as her support until the day he was no more. **

 

**Sometimes, her mind even drifted to Finn Collins, the second person who made art in Clarke. Clarke loved him or so she thought until he proved her wrong, breaking her heart and art, both.**

 

**Clarke was in her final semester in college and like many, she also had a fair share of brief purely sexual encounters but none aroused in her like Lexa had done. Clarke didn’t understand what she felt towards her, she didn’t know if she could love again but she had strong feelings nonetheless. She might not love Lexa, _or did she_ , but Lexa had always shown her positivity. **

 

**“It’s breathtaking isn’t it”, Lexa’s words put her thoughts to a halt. Clarke looked at Lexa whose skin was illuminated in the fading darkness and she smiled , “Yes, truly breath taking.”**

 

**Clarke’s eyes often looked haunted of the past , a past  Lexa knew she couldn’t change. Clarke blamed her for her father’s death, she claimed that if she hadnt insisted so hard to meet him ,then  maybe his car wouldn’t have missed that red signal and just maybe that drunkard driver trunk , wouldn’t have hit him.**

 

**Clarke even blamed herself for ruining her mother’s life, taking away her partner and putting a dent in their relationship which barely consisted of more than handful words.**

 

**And Finn, the supposed lost love of Clarke, he had made her feel of her that she wasn’t enough for him. Indeed Clarke never said anything in so many words, but Lexa heard them loud and clear.**

 

**And Lexa feared for Clarke and often she feared for herself, what if she was falling for the blonde beauty, that golden mane of hair she had only know for a brief 1and ½ months…**

**Lexa didn’t know how crucial those words were for her when she had said them but she could still hear those words often, as if they were in the wind around her echoing in her, “The past is gone. It has nothing new to tell us so when it comes knocking you don’t have to answer it.”**

 

**Lexa and Clarke both knew the inevitable was coming but they simply chose to ignore it or somehow didn’t word those thoughts that were often knocking in their conscious minds. Yesterday, Clarke had asked Lexa what did she though of love. Lexa told her, _that she had never been in that kind of love to know what love truly is. She didn’t know that love that people would talked about, she didn’t know that love that makes you cross the oceans or even makes you give up your dreams but she did believe in one thing,  if you loved someone enough you should be able let that person go._**

**“Even without a fight? That sounds pretty awful”, Clarke told her.**

 

**“Well if you already know you have lost the war then why fight it?”, Lexa countered. To that, Clarke had no reply, not yet at least , may be because she was yet to know what was to fall in love as well.**

 

 

**Clarke was standing at the station. Her luggage all packed lay beside her, her train yet to arrive. Abby had insisted to see her off but Clarke had reluctantly refused, she said her mother was more needed at her hospital and she was old enough to go.**

 

**Her eyes kept drifting back to the entrance of the gates in search of braided chestnut hair  but to no avail. Clarke wanted to give Lexa a parting present, a little something she had made for her. Yes, she could have handed it over to Indra but it felt too private for her to simply give it to a stranger and standing at the station Clarke was rethinking her decision.**

 

**Maybe she should have given it to her how would she know that Lexa would go MIA today, specially on her last day. Was she that insignificant and unimportant to her?  Her eyes were going moist but Clarke refused to shed a tear. She wouldn’t . The grip on the paper wrapped with a purple ribbon tightened.**

 

**“Going without so much a goodbye to us , eh?”, a husky yet familiar voice called her out from behind followed by a bark. Lexa wore the same attire she had worn that first day they met and like the first day, Fluffy was licking her leg. This time Clarke picked him up and held him tightly as if she was his lifeline.**

 

**The approaching whistle of the train echoed the station yet both didn’t move an inch. Tugging Fluffy in her arms Clarke looked at her shoes as she spoke out , “I thought I wasn’t going to see you, you know….”, her words stammered in her mouth.**

**She looked over to Lexa whose eyes were glassy as well and without so much so a warning both bodies crashed together in a tight embrace with Fluffy in middle who’s unnoticably slipped out.**

**Lexa’s hands wrapped Clarke around the waist, intimately brushing over to the top, and Clarke’s arms tightly gripped Lexa , her face muffled in the scent of vanilla scented hair. And these time, Clarke let go of her tears. They wet Lexa’s dark shirt . They held onto each other and isnt wasn’t until the final call of boarding came that they unlinked their much tangled arms.**

**“Don’t go all teary on me now, Prisa”, Lexa tried to joke but her voice was betraying her. Clarke smiled brushing away her tears, “As long as you don’t get all mushy on me. And before I forget, I wanted to give you this, don’t open it here. Just a private thing needs a private environment , I guess.”**

**“Ok.”**

**Lexa took a bag while Clarke took the remaining and placed it on the deck.  “So…” they both had simultaneously started, and Lexa finished , “I’m gonna go, ok” but no sooner had she said those words, Lexa closed the gap between them engulfing Clarke once again in a warm embrace.**

**“May we meet again, Clarke.”**

**“May we meet again.”**

**The train soon faded out in the horizon leaving nothing but the grey smoke behind. Lexa opened the ribbon and unfolded that paper and the scene before her made her gasp.**

**Painted beautifully in charcoal depicted a sun burnt Lexa who was staring at the already setting sun and in fine handwriting, _Thank you for reminding me everyday is a second chance, Yours Prisa_.**

_Love someone enough to let her go_ , the concept itself was too flawed but that was maybe what Clarke needed to do. Maybe Clarke had to find her peace with the bygone days to welcome the future. She picked up her phone and scrolled down the contacts and stopped at Costia. _Costia_.

 

Clarke had planned to meet Costia for an early lunch by a small safe just overlooking the Central Park and she had readily agreed. The café was a small quaint one with rusty chairs and tables, small lights were emblazoning it with a soft music playing in the background.

Clarke was ideally stirring her beverage when the bells of the café door clicked open. Clarke turned in time to see Costia and waved her over to join her. Costia could see Clarke eyes bubbling with an odd impatience, so she let Clarke take the lead, well after all it was her who wanted to talk.

 

The voicelessness of the situation was getting too much for Clarke to remain silent but she didn’t know what to ask about, or how to ask Costia about Lexa. She couldn’t find her voice, even though knew her words. Clearing her voice, for what seemed like the fourth time, Clarke finally asked,

 

"How is she?”

 

"She’s good. I should say better after what she has been through; after everything she’s doing good. She is a NYT journalist, kind of the on-tour ones, always travelling to places, one day she’s here, another day she’s somewhere polar opposite."

 

“How’s Indra? Are they here in NY?”

 

There was a pregnant pause.

 

“I don’t know how to tell you this but Indra’s demise occurred about 2 years back. It was a major cardiac arrest, she died peacefully.”

 

Clarke gasped in shock and ended up on a sad smile. She didn’t know that woman that well but she knew her well enough to say that in a way she was Lexa’s ground.

 

“And, maybe that was the last time I properly spoke to Lexa abet the in-between occasional hi’s and how are you’s. She’s been too busy running about that she had forgotten she has friends” and through gritted teeth Costia added, “and family who actually gives a shit about her, it seems.”

 

Despite the stoic appearance, Clarke could see emotions flooding behind her brown eyes and somehow she could relate to that. That pain of being left behind couldn’t match that many.

 

“Yes, she seems she had a knack for it.”

 

Clarke’s voice was so soft, barely even a decibel but Costia heard her. She took in those blue glassy orbs and saw that faraway, longing look on her face. That emotion was eerily similar as if she had seen it before. Lexa.

_It’s you._ _The girl who stole Lexa from her, but maybe Lexa was never hers to take._

 

“You broke her heart.”

 

Costia almost blurted out her words and she immediately wished nothing more than she take them back, but the damage was done. A sensation of a moment’s confusion flickered through Clarke’s face which instantly grew into horror then anger.

 

She snorted indignantly, “She broke mine.” _By choosing you._

 

“And by an infinitesimally chance, even if I broke her heart, which I didn’t, she moved pretty fast onto you, didn’t she? So much more a broken heart, huh?”

 

Costia narrowed her eyes, “What are you ---- It was too much for her, Clarke. And when she left why did you let her go? Are you being daft deliberately, she was so sick --------“

“I didn’t , ok, she said she was better without me ---------, what did you say?”

 

“She was sick?” but the confusion didn’t get cleared and finally realization dawned on her, “She never told you.”

 

Clarke knew she was missing something here, something big, something pivotal but she didn’t know what. She nearly shrieked as she demanded, “What? What don't I know?”

 

Costia wanted to tell her the missing pieces but somehow she couldn’t betray Lexa. Lexa who had been her lover and now her cherished friend, a friend who didn’t even attend Indra’s funeral. That friend. The friend who was always eager to run, to live that friend. She felt anger, but she knew that maybe there were some thoughts as to why Lexa didn’t tell the blonde girl.

 

“It’s Lexa’s story to tell Clarke and I’m sure she has her reasons for why she didn’t confide the truth in you. ”, Costia took out a piece of paper and scribbled down something and shifted the paper to Clarke.

 

Clarke stared at those 10 digits, the same number she had once upon a time sent countless messages to, none were replied of course so Clarke assumed the number had outdated. _Fate indeed loves throwing curve balls as her._ “This is Lexa’s number. She most of the times doesn’t pick up but she always returns the call, just give it a try? And if offhandedly, you don’t get in touch with her, you know where to find me.”

 

Clarke had long left the café and now she was seated in some roadside bar. _Reasons. Reasons_. In every shot she took, in every thought of her that still makes her throat run dry, Clarke left the land of the reality, in drunkard haziness her surroundings disappeared to that day when it all ran havoc. **The beginning of the end.**

**26 days. Lexa and Clarke didn’t talk for 26 days, albeit just a few texts. Ok, not just a few texts, there had been plenty of texts but these texts couldn’t erase that eerie feeling in her chest, that would only rest when she would see Lexa.**

**26 days had gone by, each day stretching like a year. Clarke had met Octavia in her second year at her university, she had supposedly moved from Chicago and was going to complete the remaining of her semester at California.**

**It wasn’t long before, she became “partners in crime” with Raven and didn’t even take a whole month for Clarke to accept her as her second best friend. So gradually, when Raven and O say Clarke moping around, they did everything they could to poke the truth or secret out of her, but the more they tried, the more she grew sheltered on the matter. So they stopped pushing, but the beauty of a secret was that it could always come out and crush you in the least expected way.**

**Mr.Jefferson had felt the need to hold a bit or an artsy friendly competition bribing people that the winner’s painting would be used as the front cover of the college magazine, so everyone including Clarke agreed. So Clarke sat with paint and brushes in front and a big blank page leering back at her.**

**Mr. Jefferson’s words kept coming back to her as he urged his students to paint that first thing that blindfolds their mind, their soul when they close their eyes. So Clarke drew. She drew, poured out every inch of her unsaid emotions in the page that was now bleeding with colors that screamed her heart’s desire. Lexa Woods in her infamous Hogwarts hoodie and denim shorts staring at her with Fluffy the cute monstrosity cuddles on her arms.**

**Like that first day they met. Much to her utter shock, Mr. Jefferson awarded her the first position, smiling encouragingly at her and that’s when the wildfire of the certain green eyed brunette started. And to celebrate her victory, Raven, O and her whole group decided to crash party in Clarke’s home.**

**It had already been 10pm but her friends apparently had so sense of time. They were half drunk half sober, slurring around in a language that only drunk Clarke could understand; Pillows were scattered here and there, empty pizzas boxes and vacant beer bottles decorated her floor, not to mention the blaring music that could quite possible put a hole in the wall.**

**Clarke walked the stairs to her bedroom, and she was sure know one would notice her absence, their conscious minds were pretty much down the drain at the moment and she wasn’t even feeling up for it either. So here, Clarke sat, with lights on in her bedroom and a bottle of half empty of beer. Even amidst all these people she felt something was amiss. Lexa. It was just then that her ears attentively turning to the slight clicking sound was if someone was hitting the window pane with rocks. Clarke knew for sure who that person was. Lexa.**

**Dressed in a mere sundress and cardigan under the silver rays of the moon stood Lexa. Clarke might have not noticed it in the first glance but she seemed almost thinner as if she wasn’t eating properly and there were dark bags under those alluring eyes as if she hadn’t slept in a long time. Her steps towards Clarke even slackened a bit.**

**Worried Clarke asked, “Hey, you okay?”**

**If Lexa was caught off –guard with the question, she definitely chose to ignore it.  “you owe me a treat, Griffin!”**

**“Say what now?”, Clarke was definitely intrigued.**

**Lexa gave her one of her smirks. “A little birdie told me that you borrowed my face for your competition, so I thought its only fair that you treat me back.”**

**Clarke’s face felt her face burn.**

**“Mom?”, she already knew the answer yet she asked.**

**“Yes, your mother to my aunt to me, a pretty lengthy process, if you ask me. You could have simply thanked me for having such a crowd pleasing ravishing face”, Lexa grinned as she once again took in her companion’s reddened face.**

**“Geez, whatever… where are we going by the way?” Clarke had to cut through Lexa’s teasing.**

**“There’s this bar….”**

**“…. Bar? Should I be taking precautions before going huh?”, Clarke added still bemused about the last time when they fled as if they had their asses on fire. They actually did, but only not in a literal sense.**

**“Don’t judge it until you see it.”**

**The bar was situated on the outskirts of their city and supposedly today was a Karaoke night. _Huh._  Apparently, Lexa had told the bartender to open up a tab since they would be staying here fro quite sometime and thus the drinks kept coming. Clarke didn’t overlook the fact that Lexa was really getting it on tonight, engulfing drink after drink, oohing to every person who was coming on the stage to sing.**

**“You would tell me if something was wrong right?”, Clarke asked yet again but Lexa being Lexa simply put it as, “ Well, I would be much better if you would drink along with me. Come on, we are up next.”**

**Lexa was already pulling her up to the stage front and a sort of tug of war started between the two too.**

**“Ok, just let me down a drink, need the liquid courage….” And thus Lexa and Clarke stood in front of the mike with quite a crowd cheering them.**

**The music started in the background and Lexa was the first to bench out the lyrics. Clarke positively gulped, her heartbeat fastened as she watch Lexa taking out her cardigan, all the while shamelessly winking at Clarke and shaking her hips. The whistles that followed, they almost deafening.**

**_The night is dark but the moon is bright_ **   
**_We're staring at this summer night_ **   
**_Tan skin looks damn good in white_ **   
**_Stripping down by the Hollywood sign_ **

**The music changed and now Clarke took the lead, mustering her confidence, she let the drunk Clarke take over. She would blame it on the alcohol later.**

**_You light me up inside_ **   
**_Like the 4th of July_ **   
**_Whenever you're around_ **   
**_I always seem to smile_ **   
**_And people ask me how_ **   
**_Well you're the reason why_ **   
**_I'm dancing in the mirror and singing in the shower_ **

**Honestly, they might not have been that drunk but the adrenaline rush that pumped through her veins ignited a dormant fire in her and she and Lexa recited out the lyrics of Thriller, totally out of symphony, even trying to match up the steps but the crowds went cheering them on.**

**And perhaps, in the midst of all the crowd and stolen glances and too much closed proximity, her eyes fell on Lexa’s pump lips which seemed dry, she wondered what would it feel like to lick them wet. Then she looked up to see those haunting eyes staring back at her.**

**They didn’t know who was the first to initiate the kiss but it didn’t matter. They didn’t know how then eevn stepped out from the bar into the chambers of her car, but that didn’t matter either.**

**The kiss was wet, sloppy a bit disoriented at best but there had been these underlying desire beneath them. There was probably a hundred reasons why it may have not been perfect but they all fell short to the one reason that mattered the most. It felt right.**

**Enough of  the butterfly kisses, when Clarke was taken in a one long stride, she lay in her arms, her mouth locked in hers in a deep passionate kiss. They were already in a close confinement yet Clarke pressed closer to her as if she wished to be absorbed in her, flesh , bone and blood. Their tongues were fighting for dominance and their hands were doing all the work.**

**Lexa’s hand were on her jeans, struggling a bit in the glooming darkness but she somehow undid it open. Her hands swiftly went behind her shirt touching the delicate skin, going up till she reached her bra. Lexa’s hands were gentle and unhurried, as she dealt with the fastenings of her bra and shirt smiling her delight as she uncovered her of all fibers.**

**Whispering her encouragement, Clarke, a bit shyly undid her as well. She stroked her belly and her slackening eager thighs, running circles on it while Lexa’s leg was pressed between hers.**

**There was a sharp intake of breath when Clarke felt her hand slide between her leg, teasing her heated wetness while one finger-tip played with her until she moaned out a frustrated, please. It was as if the magic word, the encouragement that Lexa was searching for when she dipped her finger into her, he long slender fingers, burning up her insides in sheer pleasure.**

**Clarke’s breathing hitched and she screamed. Slowly her movements gained momentum, inserting another and then a total of 3 fingers in her.**

**And when she pressed her thumb into her tiny engorged mound, her body clench in aching desire. She pleaded Lexa to not stop, that she was near and oh near she was. It moments wait, she could feel as the hot fluid came out of her. And then almost felt heaven when Lexa dipped her head to lick at it. But when Lexa was going for another time, Clarke playfully stopped her.**

**“Its my time, now”. She gently pushed Lexa on the side of the car, her back  pausing in to the window. She ran her hair down her much thinned tone, down her flat abdomen to the center of her arousal. Her fingers moved delicately, provocatively from the wet mouth of it , leaving ghost kissed on it until Lexa groaned her pleasure aloud.**

**She moved over to Lexa who intertwined her with her legs as Clarke felt her grumble beneath her with every thrust she made, curling her fingers deep in her as she watched her make those rhymic soft moans and gasps, panting and then begging Clarke to continue. Clarke loved how flustered she was, how she squirmed beneath her. Lexa felt that irresistible sharp sensation build in her from the innermost depth of her womanhood , she knew, she was on the verge.**

**“Let go, Lexa, I’m here” and Lexa’s all control slipped away leaving her lost and consumed in a spiral of mindless agonizing rapture. They soon lost count after the third consecutive time they had both come undone and soon in the inky darkness of the night they were two beings that lay lashed skin to skin with one another, the window mirrors of the car all fogged out from the sticky wet air from within.**

**Concealed from Clarke who lay asleep on her, Lexa lay still, eyes open as she admired Clarke. Every inch of her skin, from her curves, to belly button and the lustful pink lips. Her fingers lingered on the light scar on her left breast that lay as a single stain on a black page of white. She engulfed the scene in front of her, as if trying to memorize in the pages of the book in case she forgot. But Lexa knew, she couldn’t. She would never.**

**Clarke’s touched were like scars on her, so unlike the rest of the women who couldn’t even match Clarke’s shadow if they tried. Lexa hoped a better tomorrow for certain would be out of control, she hoped because she wouldn’t change this night with her for anything. Clarke was worth it all. If she would get her heartbreak broken by her Prisa then the least she could do was relish in those pains.**

**It wasn’t even 5 in the morning when Lexa’s phone rang. She struggled to get it out and looked up the Caller Id. Barely clothing herself, Lexa walked until she was able to put some distance between the car and herself and continued talking into the phone.**

**Low murmurs and some pleading pleases were shared until Lexa could bear no more. She had always known that life had been gracious on her, she was a fool to believe them, they were too good to be true anyway.**

**She opened the door to the backseat and whispered those three words again and again as wistful tears trailed down her cheek. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Never forget me. I an sorry. Like a mantra she kept on repeating them. She knew what she had to do. Head over heart. She knew and then she drove.**

**Clarke’s eyes opened slowly and she took in her surroundings. What she home or something? She pulled in her clothing, her eyes falling for momentarily on her thighs which were smeared with purple blots. Memories of last night flooded in her front of her eyes and an unconscious smile was tugging at her lips. As of on instinct her eyes darted up and she was met with green eyes that were devoid of any form of emotions. A mask with no tell.**

**After a halt, Clarke was going to say, “Last night…………”**

**“………..was a mistake, Clarke.”, Lexa didn’t stop there. She turned away, her eyes darting anywhere but Clarke as she spoke again, “ We had too much to drink and its shouldn’t have happened. I apologize for taking advantage of you last night. And your house in just a block away, it’s the least I could have done after…..” Lexa spoke in a mechanical way, as if she had been practicing it in front of the mirror.**

**Clarke tried to absorb what Lexa told her, she did but What was last night. Was she that drunk? Was Lexa that drunk? Even if she was, last night was an act of their unyielding desire that culminated into sex, one that simply couldn’t be demeaned to a mistaken act of drunkedness.**

**“Bullshit. I wanted last night as much as you so bullshit.”, Clarke pulled Lexa by her collar pulling her into a searing kiss, one that Lexa easily reciprocated but only a moment when she immediately pulled back,**

**“Trust me, it’s not”**

**“Then look me in the eye and tell me  that it was all a drunk mistake, that if it was anyone else in my place if would have ended the same way. Tell me”, Clarke demanded. Lexa took in a deep breath as if trying to summon up her courage, then she looked Clarke in the eye and the answer fell out of her lips, “Yes. Yes. To all your questions”**

**Lexa didn’t even bat an eyelid when she said it. She simply got in her car, and drove away without even a glance back. On the pavement, Clarke fell to her knees as she burrowed her face in her hands and tears fell. The scenario wasn’t much different in Lexa’s car who finally led her mask slip. With her head on the steering wheel, she let her tears fall.**

**2 weeks passed in a blur. she told Raven and O whatever little bit that could be said, some things were sometimes too personal too even put in words, so they didn’t ask her for details but they did try to get Clarke out of her room. Abby visited her at her campus and out of nowhere a plan was made to eat out and Raven and Octavia being Raven and Octavia couldn’t simply let the moment of free wining and dining pass.**

**Their food at “The California Grill” was yet to arrive to Clarke excused herself to the washroom. Clarke was looking at her phone on her way when she accidentally stumbled upon a tall brunette, literally crashing into her.**

**An apologize was already on her lips but the brunette shrugged it off. But a familiar voice asked came running to her aid, “Cos, you okay?”. She might not have noticed Clarke but Clarke definitely noticed. Lexa was apparently very concerned as she was looking at the said  “Cos” who was according to Clarke, visibly very fine.**

**“I’m fine, Lexa” . Lexa was about to say something in retort to the stranger but her voice fell short on seeing that stranger was Clarke.**

**“Clarke?”, the letters stumbled through her lips before she could even stop them. So, she does remember me, Clarke thought sarcastically.**

**“You two know each other? I didn’t know Lexa actually had any friends”, Costia asked as she looked from Lexa to Clarke and Clarke to Lexa.**

**“In all fairness, she didn’t tell me she had any either”, Clarke couldn’t help but snip back.**

**“Costia, this is Clarke and Clarke this lady here in Costia. She’s a …. A friend”, the way Lexa stammered on Costia being a friend made Clarke narrow are eyes. _When did Lexa have friends? That to “friends” with such a brunette.  She felt as if someone had kicked her in her gut._**

**“Costia, why don’t you lead, I’ll be there shortly”, gesturing Costia to go ahead. Costia held her hand onto Lexa as an affirmative before nodding a short farewell to Clarke before she headed off. Lexa knew which way the guns in her head where going so without much ado Lexa answered in a monotonic voice, “She’s someone who’s very dear to me. We are just friends of sorts, Clarke. ”**

**“Just friends of sorts, huh? I already hate that phrase.”. Lexa was moving from one feet to another until she couldn’t bear anymore. There was so much left to be said, but now wasn’t a good time. The right time. And Lexa was foolishly waiting for the right time to come.**

**“Have a good evening, Lexa” and just like that, Lexa stood alone in the hallway. Nothing but her and her self and a silent prayer on her lips.**

**Clarke had tried her best not to look around the room in search of two brunettes but when her eyes stopped at the dim corner, she saw them. Lexa was laughing to something that Costia said, they looked comfortable with each other. She felt like a total creep but she couldn’t hold herself, when she saw Costia reaching out slowly and whispering something to Lexa, as if trying to hide her words from prying eyes.**

**Clarke didn’t know what to think but she was sure that to a third person it was a scene that unfolded between would-be lovers and that made her nauseous. She didn’t even look back when she excused herself and made her way even though a little voice somewhere screamed inside.**

**The next time Clarke visited her home, her mother told her that supposedly the Woods no longer lived in their neighborhood, apparently they were having some difficulties, about what she didn’t know but they were moving someplace yesterday. Abby sounded very wistful when she said these words, maybe because Indra had grown to be a good friend of her’s.**

**The moment she knew, Clarke ran to her house only to find it locked and empty. So she dialled Lexa. She called her once or twice or thrice or perhaps countless times but all went to the voicemail. She didn’t even get a goodbye. But Lexa promised her. Empty promises.**

**That was when Clarke Griffin stopping seeking her. She stopped.**

 


	3. I'm following your breadcrumbs, but it goes in circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonjour, people! Another saved up chapter and yes, editing will be done soon ( when I feel upto it).

She picked up the phone on the fourth ring.

 

“Clarke Griffin here.”

 

The caller snorted on the other side, “Hello, from the other side?”. Clarke rolled her eyes, typical Raven.

 

“What’s up, Raven?”

 

“Um, since the last time you checked, I’m still pretty hot if not more.”

 

“What’s up, Raven?”, Clarke snapped at the phone.

 

“Straight to business eh… You didn’t check in the last couple of days, Bell and O called, but your phone was unreachable and yada yada, they called me to patch you through. Now, tell me what’s up with you?”

 

“My battery was dead  so I might…and everything’s fine. Show’s tomorrow and stuff, even though none of you are coming. So yeah everything’s fine.”

 

“Clarke, you very well know how important this is for you and we could be there if we could --- ”  It was true.

 

Raven being a professor had to attend a seminar in London that had been a strictly “must attend” kind of thing and she knew Lincoln’s mother was very sick, so O and Bellamy had travelled to Chicago to her aide.

 

She had been practically family to O and Bell, sticking up with them guiding them through like one’s mother would.  Clarke understood or at least she tried too.

 

And Abby, was too busy, not that Clarke was particularly looking forward to seeing her but seeing a familiar face in a sea of strangers was better at least than seeing none at all.

 

“ ---- but apart from that I will insulted that you still think you can lie to me. Tell me what’s wrong?”

 

“I met Costia and I think maybe Lexa lives here and…. I … things are so jumbled, Ray”, Clarke blurted out in a low voice.

 

“What?” , She could literally see the question mark look on Raven.

 

“I said, I met ------ “

 

“I heard every word you said, but how on Earth of all the places did you meet her? Ain’t fate a bitch,”. Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at the irony “Trust me, it is”

 

Long story short, Raven’s father had died when she was a toddler of mere 5 years. Her mother did what she could do but within years she turned to the arms of alcohol.

 

Nobody likes someone when that person comes up to show you empathy, in the cloaks of pretense shows that they care when no sooner they would be a few feet away from you, they would bitch you behind your back but that was how society played out. And Raven was caught in that circus. When all doors had been closed, just like a ray in her world, she found Clarke given at the age of 7 and since then they had been inseparable.

 

Yes, they fought a lot, made fun of each other a bit too much but they stood by each other through thick and thin. Pretty much attached to the hip kinda scenario.

 

Raven didn’t know their story from line to line, neither did Octavia but Raven knew one thing that Octavia didn’t , that Clarke told her after making her take an oath, Clarke Griffin had fallen in love with Lexa Woods. She never elaborated it and Raven didn’t ask.

 

Raven knew what if felt like to be loved and then left behind without a word of explanation, she knew that no matter how hard one tries to forget, it only comes back in whispers of the night, trinkets in eyes.

 

She didn’t miss those pensive looks that time and again crossed her face, those unword-ed dreams that plagued her. Raven had seen the smile that had clung to Clarke’s face those few months when Lexa was with her, so bright that sometimes she had to look away, it was so happily disgusting and now when she smiles it feels empty. Raven knew that Clarke was doing fine but she wasn’t happy. And she felt helpless at not being able to help her.

 

Clarke told her only a gist of things and Raven listened and somewhere midway Raven could almost hear Clarke holding back her disappointment. Sometimes, time can’t heal all wounds and every now and then, Raven felt anger surge in her towards Lexa, the girl whom she had met only in Clarke’s paintings and this was maybe the nth time when Raven promised herself that she would kick this Lexa’s  ass down to Italy one day for making her best friend bleed so much.

 

“Clarke, forget about everything else and focus on tomorrow. Forget about that arse Lexa. Your dreams are going to come true, Clarke, that’s the most important thing right now. Not Lexa. Not Bellamy. You. Your dreams. You hear me, girl?”

 

Clarke smiled towards her friend’s utter ridiculousness. “I hear ya alright. You sure, you are teaching engineering there and not philosophy?”

 

“Girls and machines, pretty hot combo- I have to tell you that. Anyway, I’m as serious now as I’ll ever get so good luck tomorrow ok?”

 

“Yup. I wish you were here though. You all were.”

 

“We wish that too, you know. But you’ll be home soon, C”

 

“Yup”

 

“Yea, later Griffin.” And the line clicked dead.

 

Indeed, tomorrow came fast enough. Clarke had showered twice and she had already been called upon a multiple number of times by Anya who informed her that she would be sending her a chauffeur to drive her to the gallery and apparently she reminded her of her said interview with a Maximus Royce, a reporter from New York Times which according to Clarke actually was the first time she was hearing about.

 

Clarke decided to go for a contrast look so she slipped into a  mesh stitched sleeveless high waist knee deep chiffon black dress whose lower body was parted with silver borders. She pulled her long blonde hair in a knot and wore matching black stilettos. She opened her purse and looked at the ring. Her ring.  Clarke guilty for not wearing it but how could she when riddles were dancing in her mind.

 

  _Your dreams are going to come true, Clarke, that’s the most important thing right now. Not Lexa. Not Bellamy. You. Your dreams._ Raven’s words reminded her and she safely put the ring back to her clutch, she might not wear it tonight but all would be probably back to normal by tomorrow. She would be home soon with this ring on her finger. Taking the clutch in her hand, she looked at the room one last time before closing it.

 

The turnout had apparently been remarkable. Clarke didn’t recognize half the populace who were all taking turns admiring her works and Clarke felt a bit out of place. But thankfully Anya turned up saving up Clarke from practically mentally cursing to and physically embarrassing herself in front of the elites.

 

Anya introduced her to a multitude of art pioneers, most businessmen by profession and some people from the world of fine arts. Albeit them, people from all walks of life had visited her and many were even looking forward to buying a piece of her art .

 

Clarke never felt so proud of herself before. A social event of this stature that too in the heart of New York Manhattan had obviously garnered a lot of attention and photos were being were now and then.

Reporters had been asking here and about questions when Anya whisked her away to a  quiet corner, “This has been quite a night so far, Clarke”. She hadn’t seen Anya smile expect now and she had to say, it suited her.

 

“Well, yeah all thanks to you.” Indeed without that Trikru name backing her up, she wouldn’t have made it so far, so big.

 

“I didn’t do anything, I just sharpened the blunt edges to make you shine brighter. And yes, before I keep forget the reporter, a Mr. Royce, due to certain emergency he couldn’t make it so they’ll apparently  be sending a replacement”, Anya glance down at her watch, “Well, the reporter should be here  by now. No consistency for time this days.”

 

 Anya grumbled as she looked at the crowd, she raise her hand as she waved someone over. Clarke couldn’t see who it was as Anya was guarding her view but Clarke couldn’t say she wasn’t surprised when the Director hugged a stranger.

 

They were speaking in hushed voices when the amused Anya turned over to Clarke, “Well, Miss Griffin, you are one lucky girl. You are apparently being interviewed by not only NYT’s  best but also a dear friend of mine, Lexa Woods”.

 

The wine glass that was in Clarke’s hand slipped out of her grip as the red fluid spattered on the marble white floor. Lexa Woods, in her black lace bow maxim dress,  stood no mere than 5 steps away from Clarke Griffin who was as equally appalled as Clarke herself. After 2 years, they stood 5 little steps away from each other but Clarke couldn’t cross them. Each step scorched her skin.

 

Anya was already calling out to the cleaners, frantically asking the blonde if she was alright or not, but all Clarke could see was her moving lips, her words didn’t register in her mind so she nodded like a China doll. When Anya faced Lexa to engage her in small talk, Clarke excused herself to the bathroom. _This shouldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening. Why was this happening? Why today?_

 Clarke glanced herself in the mirror - she was sweating, her breathing was erratic and it felt so damn hot. She put the clutch down and splashed cold water on her face, as if trying desperately to wake herself up from the nightmare. Her mascara was smeared but she needn’t care. Her knees felt weak all off a sudden and she slummed on the bathroom floor.

 

The bathroom door opened a little and a slender figure swiped in. Clarke didn’t bother looking up to see who it was until the voice spoke, “People are asking about the woman of the hour, where has she disappeared to for nearly an hour.”

 

Clarke very well knew to whom that voice belonged too. She replied through gritted teeth, “ Don’t you dare play the “I care for you Clarke” card on me.  Not now, your back-stabbing bitch.”

 

Lexa remained unfazed by her criticism. In her cool demeanor she replied evenly, “I don’t but why don’t you? I thought this was supposed to be “The Big Night” for you. Why are you throwing it away?”

 

“I’m not. And I’ll be eternally grateful if we stay out of each other’s ways”, Clarke replied her voice inkling with unspoken disgust.

 

Clarke was trying to sniffle back her tears but she wouldn’t cry in front of Lexa. Never again. She splashed the cold water on her face once again before masking her face. The game face. Smile. Cheese. Click. Smile. Polite handshakes. Small talks. Painting signing. Smile. Hug. Smile. Smile.

 

But the plastic smile was soon wearing off, it was hard to smile when her insides where crying. She made her way to the bar, _surely a success should be celebrated, no_ , she sarcastically thought. She might have been on her 5th, oh no, possibly 6th glass of wine when Anya joined her, “ So, you have started your get-drunk-shitless celebration without me?”

 

“The wine seemed very tempting”, was all Clarke said. Despite her words, she looked around the room in hunt of a black silhouette.

 

To Anya, Clarke’s eyes didn’t have that spark that was present a few hours ago, she stared to see where Clarke’s eyes were wandering about, who was that someone that she was craving but Anya didn’t find anyone. She cleared her throat, “The interview Clarke ----“

_Yes, the interview. But where was the interviewer?_

 

“Yes, Anya the interview -----“, but she was cut midway when Anya said that Lexa has already rescheduled it to whatever time would be convenient for Clarke.

 

“Lexa is very professional and I have to say I was a bit amused when she was planning to reschedule it. I didn’t even know she didn’t interviews either let alone the fact that she was in NY”, Anya chuckled, “That girl doesn’t tell much.”

_Yes, she doesn’t. If anything, she’s a Fort Knox_.

 

It was nearing to midnight when the doors of the gallery closed. Anya had forcefully sort of inducted Clarke, much to her protest, into her car and ordered her driver to make sure she reached her hotel safely, saying that she couldn’t have her little star roaming around the streets at such hours that to inebriated.

 

Even though , the driver as per orders dropped her in front of her hotel that didn’t mean she had to enter it. She wrapped her trench coat over herself as she walked whenever the road led her. People were walking the streets lost in their own world, and Clarke was getting lost in the world of lights. Walking in heels might seem pretty glamorous but after a while, her feet were killing her. She sobered up from the pain only to see that she might have walked to far from her hotel. She didn’t recognize the area but she knew she was in some part of Manhattan.

 

 It wasn’t until later that she realized as if someone was following her and the certain dark alleys she crossed made her skin creep with goosebumps. 

 

She didn’t want to turn around and look at the stalker so she looked into her makeup mirror, pretending to undo her makeup and saw a distant hooded figure. Her pace changed, she walked faster and so did he.

 

Towards the end of the road, she ran closer towards the yellow lights glittering in the coffee house and that familiar face who was seating pensively outside the door ,never made her so happy. She almost ran to her, “Lexa”, the name breathed out of her mouth as the brunette reflexively caught Clarke before she fell over.

 

Lexa was shocked to say the least, but the look of fear that was ridiculed on Clarke’s face as she clung to her made her look towards the path she travelled when her eyes fell on the hooded guy. Her icy look and the taunt of a nod that she sent to the man was enough for him to walk away. Lexa didn’t touch Clarke for she knew Clarke was held her out of need, not want and she didn’t want to push the blonde away from her again.

 

“He’s gone”, Lexa whispered her words out and Clarke dropped her hands almost immediately from Lexa as if she had touched some vile garbage.

 

Clarke looked away from Lexa and muttered out a simple, “Thank you”. Nodding her head in apprehension, Lexa went back to her coffee. Silence clung mid-air, no one said a word.

Lexa didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know how, she still search for the right time, least of all find Clarke in New York and Clarke didn’t know how one moment she felt so angry with the girl and the other minute it’s her that made her eyes go misty.

 

“What are yo --------- “

 

“Do you wan ---------- “

 

Both of them started and both of them stopped in the same beat. And smiled at the same time at the awkwardness.

 

Clarke gestured Lexa to go ahead, “Do you want a coffee or any other beverage?”

 

“Coffee’s fine, thank you”

 

“Shouldn’t you be in a hotel right now?”

 

Clarke shrugged her shoulders and replied vaguely, “ Yes, but I didn’t want to go back so I kinda went to for a little walk under the moonlight.”

 

“ and ended up being chased by shadowy figures”, added Lexa. There was a pregnant pause.

 

“What are you doing out here so late?”, Clarke asked while sipping in the her coffee that was sprinkled with cinnamon. It blended nicely.

 

“I often come here whenever I’m in New York. Their coffee makes me reminisce, Gustus makes the best coffee and I'm too lazy to work out a coffeemaker, I guess and right now I couldn’t sleep”. Lexa gave her a sad smile. There was yet another pause.

 

 

“Why did you leave?”, Clarke silently demanded.

 

“Because you asked me to. _stay out of your way?_ ” , Lexa answered matter-of-factly.

 

Clarke fumed at her words. _Because I asked her too?_ “So you listen to every word I say now? What is this, Lexa 2.0?”

 

“I’m sorry I let you down Clarke but can we leave it at that for now? Please? This is neither the correct hour nor the place”, the way Lexa’s eyes held her, Clarke had to give in.

 

“Yea, I have learnt that you just have to lower your expectations from people anyway” and again the silence settled in. Clarke pretended she didn’t that flash of hurt across the green eyes.

 

“How long are you planning to stick around New York?”, making small talk was never Lexa. It was weird and abrupt and plain cut stupid but she yearned to know every small detail for Prisa.

 

“Why?”

 

“I still have to submit the interview”

 

“Oh”, Clarke seemed disappointed. Of course, Lexa was all being professionally but she couldn’t help but wonder where had that girl disappeared, that  girl that made her fall head over heels for, that care-free spirit.

 

“How does tomorrow work for you?”

 

Without a pause for thought, “I’ll call in with the details, Clarke” she agreed.

 

Clarke stood up and placed her owed dollars on the table only to being stopped by Lexa, “It’s already paid for Clarke”

 

“But the ------- “

 

“It’s just a coffee not a lump of gold. “ but Clarke seemed hesitant, so Lexa added, “Buy me a cup later,  ok”

 

“Ok”

 

Clarke was walking out when Lexa called her, “Let me drive you back to your hotel.”

 

This time Clarke wouldn’t go down without a fight but Lexa’s argument silenced her, “I can’t possible let you roam yet again the city at such an ungodly hour and moreover I have my car just outside. Come on.”

 

Lexa’s Prius zoomed through the now scarce streets and within 10 minutes, the car stopped in front of her hotel gate. Even after wishing a goodnight, Lexa didn’t leave until Clarke was safely inside the hotel and by the time Clarke came running to her hotel balcony, she was gone.

Clarke had never felt more awake in her life as she stared at the ceiling wondering what tomorrow held for her in store.

 

The big apartment reverberated the clicking of her walking aid as Lexa moved from the dining room to her bed chambers, slowly pulling of her left prosthetic leg as she settled herself beneath the covers of her sheets, but sleep was far from her mind. She removed her sheets and glanced at her now missing left leg and touched that empty space. It had been more than a year now and still she hadn’t, couldn’t completely over the fact that she was now an amputee.

 

And seeing Clarke, today she was once again reminded of her disability. Clarke didn’t know but seeing the thing of your utmost affections in front of your eyes, but knowing that you couldn’t possibly touch her, made her squirm her insides. Today, Lexa felt truly alone.

 

She often ignored the emptiness that her aunt Indra had left behind by emerging herself in work, by staying away from this apartment but today it reverberated through the walls of her house and of her heart. How truly alone she was.

 

A day passed. No phone call came from Lexa. Clarke couldn’t say she wasn’t surprised but if someone asked her if she was disappointed then, yes she was. Seeing Lexa had stirred those parts of hers that Clarke thought she had long lost. And Clarke needed answers as well, to fill in the spaces in time, and to sane her sanity.

 

Late that evening she called Anya, asking for Lexa’s address for Clarke knew that if she tried to call her if would either be switched off or would probably go into voicemail. Voicemails. Whatever happened to those she sent? Did Lexa even listen to them or did she delete them without so much so without a look?

 

Second Avenue, Apartment 16/2, East Village, Manhattan, NY. Clarke decided to visit Lexa as early as she could tomorrow.

 

Lexa didn’t even bother to call Clarke to tell she couldn’t make it today. Why? Because Lexa was too damn proud to be judged by Clarke’s eyes. Lexa had accomplished many things, she has  been a journalist , travelled to far and off places and brought news back to New York and has been acclaimed as well.  She had gone trekking  to the stunning subalpine scenery of [New Zealand](http://www.lonelyplanet.com/new-zealand)’s South Island, fell in love to see waves broke on the distant beach and even trekked the Haute Route traverses of France , some of the highest and most scenic country accessible to walkers anywhere in the Alps.

 

She has talked to endless strangers in campsites or in some trip to the distant horizon, listened engrossed to their tales, some sad , some humorous but ending in that same line of love.

She has been away from NY even more so after Indra because she knew no one expected her home, no one missed her except for Fluffy who has been in the care of Luna these days. Luna is the owner of the local pet shop and whenever Lexa was away on assignments, the white haired girl takes up Fluffy without an ease and even he has grown accustomed to her.

 

Sometimes Lexa fears, what if even Fluffy no longer misses her. What will she do? Lexa didn’t realize when she had fallen asleep watching the reruns of “How To Get Away With Murder” until a loud banging arose her from her slumber.

 

Lexa didn’t have time to put on her prosthetic leg so gripping her walking aids she skipped to the front door. It wasn’t even 8am so if the visitor didn’t have a solid enough purpose, that person would be facing a scowling Lexa.

 

Lexa’s face was already in a scowl but on seeing her adorable Fluffy jumping  at her, it melted into small smile. She tumbled of her sticks and fell on the ground and Fluffy couldn’t care less and Lexa couldn’t care more as he happily licked Lexa’s face. Behind her stood, Luna in her already morning attire “Pet Care Centre” glistening in golden letters on her apron held out her hand to support Lexa up.

 

“How did you know I was back? I’m 2 days early.”, Lexa was surprised, yet very happily surprised as she graciously patted her dog. _Her cute, little monster._

 

“Well, I was going for my morning shift when Gustus told me you returned yesterday and I know Fluffy was already missing too you and…. Yeah I thought, it would be a nice morning surprise.”

 

“ Thank you. “, Lexa was genuinely thankful to Luna, “I’m already making breakfast, do you want to eat?’

 

“No, its fine. I’m already running late”, and patting Fluffy and hugging Lexa a goodbye, Luna left.

 

Lexa evilly smirked at Fluffy who was already grinning, “You up for a bathe, boy?”

 

Fluffy was in the tub and Lexa was trying her best to bathe him and not her but well, not always things went according to plan, did it? Lexa was already half drenched, her shorts were wet and sticky and her shorts was well, not totally wet, huh. Then the door bell rang.

 

Lexa didn’t know who could it be at this hour of the morning. She was gathering up her walking aids silently commanding the dog to stay put but when the bell rang a second time before she could stop Fluffy, the drenched dog leapt from the tub and ran with bolt speed towards the front door.

 

Clarke rang the bell to the apartment no. 16/2.  She waited a few moments then rang it again. She wondered if the door was open so when she turned over the doorknob, there was a light clicking sound and she opened up the door. The room was spacious and white and perpendicular to the door was the balcony and the walls…….well before she could look around something or rather someone totally wet jumped over her. Clarke fell on her butt with a thud, her shirt totally soaked and the dog, a huge bulldog was moistening her face with his tongue.

 

“Fluffy?”

 

“Clarke?”

 

Clarke turned her head to the direction of where the voice called out her name. Her eyes fell on Lexa’s green, who’s hair was dripping wet, standing in shorts, supported by walking aids, and then her eyes slowly fell upon her left leg which ended just above her knee. What?

 

“Lexa?”

 

The way Clarke called out her name, so softly, Lexa knew that Clarke had seen her. She had seen the truth she wanted to hide, but who was she kidding, this wasn’t a kind of thing she couldn’t hide. This was her now. And she was fine by it. But that didn’t mean she had to face it just yet.

 

“Clarke”, the way Lexa acknowledged her presence as if she wasn’t even here. _Maybe Lexa didn’t want her here, was that why she didn’t call yesterday? Did she think I would pity her? Clarke didn’t know what do think._

 

“Can you get off the floor , Clarke?”, Clarke didn’t realize she was staring and she clumsily did so. God can she get anymore childlike, “You can change in the bathroom, I’ll bring you some dry clothes and signaling Fluffy over, “Come on boy, let’s get you dry now” and with that Lexa left the room.

 

The tension was swallowing her whole and the way Clarke stared at her, Lexa hadn’t felt more self-conscious her whole life.

 

The smell of Lexa, the cinnamon and honey dukes perfume with a tint of sandalwood tingled the nerve endings of her nose. The shirt was a bit big for Clarke but it was oddly comforting, in the back of her mind it felt as if Lexa has wrapped her hands around Clarke.

 

The smell somehow calmed her down as she settled on the soft cushion with Fluffy who face lay lazily on her lap, “I never thought I would say this but I’m so happy to see you, you adorable monstrosity” . Clarke bent over and passed a soft kiss on his forehead. Clarke can feel Lexa’s almost looming eyelids trailing on her every movement as she stands at the doorway. Lexa wore long sleeved shirt and full length pajamas much to the contrast of what she wore an hour ago, as if she was almost trying to conceal the scars that were already carved on her.

 

“Do you have anywhere to go today?”, Lexa looked over to Clarke confused.

 

“No.?”

 

“Me either. So I haven’t watched “Orange Is The New Black” reruns in a long time. Wanna watch?”. Lexa stared at her, long and hard for a few seconds before getting up and fetching her laptop. She couldn’t understand her, what was going through that blonde mind of hers.

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Tell me your story, right from the start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know, this chapter is small in comparison and yeah, ok, a bit melodramatic. Isn't it? If you hate it, then I would say I'm sorry I didn't write better.

“Clarke?”, Lexa nudged her the third time. The blonde simply mumbled something in her sleep, probably along the lines like of not to disturb her, shooing Lexa away and turning over and coiling around the pillow. Lexa found it to be very endearing and in the diminishing red glow of the distant skyline, the picture that was painted in front was her eyes, a sleeping Clarke in her couch with no worry, no wrinkles on her face, so childlike made Lexa clench from within.

 She waited for some time before but the blonde was sleeping like the dead. So Lexa knowingly called Fluffy over who without a moment’s notice started draining kisses on his second beloved. Saying those were simple kisses would be putting it mildly, he was licking her face as if there was no tomorrow.

Clarke felt something wet on her face and to say she was greased out was an understatement, the moment she fluttered her eyes open, she greeted by a face splitting smile of Fluffy with slight of saliva drops on her face still evident. Her eyes then caught the chuckling sound that came from the other end of the couch to see Lexa, who was stifling with laughter.

“Welcome to the land of the living, Clarke”

Clarke took in the blanket had lay on her that was probably put by Lexa. Clarke eyed Lexa’s outfit a simple t-shirt with yoga pants as she bent over to put shoes on.

“Going somewhere?”

“Yes, it’s been a while since we went for a walk together. And I also don’t want him running up and down the house restless."

After a beat Lexa asked, “Would you like to come as well?”

The happy grin had reflected on Clarke’s face was an answer enough.

Van Cortlandt Lake itself was the largest lake in the Bronx, was surrounded by wonderful hues and several large turtles could be seen in the water, Lexa’s voice brought back Clarke to pay attention to Lexa. Somehow within a passage of mere 12 hours, Clarke had found herself in Lexa’s attire and like before she couldn’t ignore but inhale in Lexa’s being.

 Apparently, Van Cortandlt Park was the only one that Lexa found to her liking. The long trails, the ranges, reds, and yellows lit up by the sun made for a walk suffused with color.  They have been walking for quite some time  now and though Clarke often noticed Lexa touching her knee, she didn’t voice her thought. Not yet, at least. When they reached some sort of a huge clearing, a supposed golf course or so,  Lexa bent down and took off the cuff from around Fluffy, who leaped in happiness.  Since the time Clarke had seen her, she had never seen Fluffy in collars and seeing a free spirit being restrained didn’t seat well with Clarke.

She didn’t realize if she had said if out loud when Lexa spoke out, “ People don’t take it kindly when” Lexa put her hands in the air to quote the words, “ “an unrestrained untamed hooligan” runs them over, so I use it nowadays when we are out”.

“Nature here is somewhat presents a Utopian picture of a perfect idyll, don’t you think? The endless paving trails, the spacious green. This valley, right in the middle of the park, between the forest and the lake is well protected from the inner noises and fuss. It’s peaceful.”

Lexa lay in the grass that was soaked just a few minutes ago under the morning blaze. It was a simple picture but maybe it was the simplicity of it that made Clarke breathe. She didn’t know what happened to that Lexa she knew?

The Lexa is front of her was calm and composed but the one thing they both shared in common was that they each pretended that they were made of steel. She had so many questions to ask, but she feared what if she wasn’t ready to hear those answers. She was thinking to hard as she stared into Lexa’s closed eyes which popped open only to stare back at them.

“Your thoughts are too loud, Clarke”. Yes, Lexa still said her name with an extra roll on the “r” and still it made her run chills down her spine.

“I didn’t congratulate you on your success. You indeed outdid yourself, Clarke. “, Lexa smiled almost proudly at her, “You have made your paintings speak for you. You should be proud. I’m sure your father is as well.”

Yes, she had been told that countless times now but none of those compliments made face flush red or maybe make her eyes wet. Yes, he would be proud. It’s always extraordinary that how the simplest ordinary things said by the people you care about can make you melt from within. Yes, somehow Clarke still cared about her but that didn’t mean she wasn’t angry with her.

“Or so they.” Clarke replied almost non-committedly.

“Anya told me you didn’t know interviews. What is it that do you exactly?”

“I’m more of a journalist for the Times and occasionally I write pieces for the paper as well. I never had done interviews before and taking your interview, I should say that if was a chance that I didn’t make. I had just returned from Corsica when the Editor told me your said interviewer had some last moment emergencies and they needed a good reporter out there since it was the Trikru Gallery, so there I was.”

“You have yet to ask me Clarke.”

“Are you ready to tell me? About how you got…how this happened, about everything or…”

No, Lexa wasn’t but she knew very well that she was sitting beside a ticking bomb. It’s like there’s food stuck in your throat, you can’t digest it nor you can exhale it out, that lump in your throat, that was what she felt right then. Sometimes, Lexa thought she didn’t deserve to be happy, what exactly was happiness?

“No. But patience was never you.”

“It still isn’t.”

Clarke had so many years resentment inside of her. She had planned these sentences she would bombard her with if she met her one day, why she left her like every good thing in her life, why lie about it, but words were a funny things, they tend to betray you right at the moment when you needed them the most.

“I know I have to no right to ask, it’s not like we made promises to each other but you left me, Lexa.”

“We were something, we were friends Clarke”, Lexa insisted, her hands reaching out to Clarke who pushed them away. _We were more than friends, Clarke._

_We were more than friends, Lexa._

“ You didn’t have any qualm leaving behind a friend, did you?”

Clarke words were cutting through her and what made it worse was they were true. No bond, no relation can be formed if its roots of honesty is already tainted.

“I’m sorry”

“Stop saying it. You are not. A sorry can’t fix it now.”

“I know. Why are you even pressing this? It’s a been a long time, people change, Clarke.”

“ Yes, but you left me with white lies” _and a hollow inside_ “ I met Costia the other day, turns out the Earth is indeed round and funnily she added quite a few interesting details.”

A long sigh escaped Lexa. She didn’t know what to say and in the pregnant pause that followed, Clarke was getting vividly desperate.

Clarke was already getting up but she was held onto by Lexa, “You trusted me once, can’t you do it again. We were friends once, can’t we be again?”

“I can’t promise you anything. Not until I know if I can even trust you. And I don’t know if I can.”

That wasn’t an exact no. Lexa could work with it. For now.

The walk to Clarke’s hotel was in radio silence. Clarke took the reins of Fluffy’s chain and Lexa followed both of them a few foots back. The entrance to her hotel was already in view and this time Lexa matched steps with her, “Have you gone sight-seeing?”

Ok, so amidst all the topics that had been inhabiting her mind, this wasn’t certainly one of them. Clarke hadn’t. It’s not like she couldn’t, she just didn’t go except for the Metropolitan Museum and that little stroll in Central Park.

So yeah, she had been in NYC more than a week now and she hadn’t gone sight-seeing. Clarke’s lack of a response was enough to let Lexa know that she hadn’t.

“I can take you, if you don’t mind of course? NYC is a picturesque city but to enjoy it the fullest, you need the right pair of eyes through with. I can take you tomorrow if you are ok with it and maybe we’ll catch up a bit?”

Clarke was caught a bit off-guard by her proposal. Maybe Lexa was trying to make amends indeed, but Clarke didn’t give her a straight away answer. She could see her fidgeting with the hem of her shirt,  she making Clarke uncomfortable. She never wanted that.

So Lexa added quickly, “It was just a suggestion, you definitely don’t have to. I’m just gonna….” And Lexa was already backing her steps with Fluffy, when Clarke jumped towards her, “Ok”

“Ok?”

“Yes, ok I’ll go but you don’t have to ----“

“I want to. So be ready around 10? I’ll pick up.”

It was 9 hours to 10am and to Clarke it seemed like a northern star, so away. How could she even live with this anxiety? Clarke was in her pajamas as she found herself knocking on Lexa’s door.

Lexa, limped in her walking aids as she opened the door but Lexa couldn’t say she wasn’t shocked. Clarke was anything but patient. Without so much so a “Hi” or a “Can I come in?”, Clarke felt a wave of courage surge in her as she sauntered into the room and seated herself in the seat the overviewed the almost empty sky.

Lexa sat in her armchair almost opposite the blonde as she took in the astute portion of the artist in front of her who was mindlessly nuzzling and quite possibly caressing Fluffy’s tummy.

“Why, Lexa? Why?”

_Actions speak louder than words, let it does sound cliché but it was true but what was truer was Clarke found words more intimidating than actions. She found that a single, a smile word can be one’s undoing._

_Lexa took in a deep breath yet again as if summing up whatever courage was left in her. It was indeed going to be a long night._

“From the beginning?”

Clarke dismissed the question almost as if it hadn’t been asked, of course she wanted to know from the beginning.

“Ok, so from the beginning it is,

I was 16, yes, 16 when I was first diagnosed with cancer. Osteosarcoma to be precise. I was scared shitless and I knew Indra was too but she had to keep a tough front in front of me. We visited the doctor almost every day but he didn’t recognize it first. The pain grew and so did Indra. I thought that maybe it was my time to go, meet my family but she refused to go down with a fight and boy, we fought. It was hard, just the two of us, you know, just us against the world. We moved to NY and the oncologist we saw there told us that it was a benign one and it could be removed with ease. Yes, with ease. And it was removed.”

Lexa dwindled the contents of her bourbon, she liked the way it burned in the throat and slowly, almost in excruciating slow pace warmth insides. She had never feared the pain but it was the pain of hope that had burnt her time and again. She was staring so intently at the drink, that she missed the way Clarke was staring at her, as if trying to see her inner core, peeling all those layers of concrete from above her.

 “All was going good, up until 4 years ago. I had just gotten a very good job at the NY’s publishing house and I thought, why not a trip to Grand Canyon? That’s when I first fell ill. And it all felt down-hill from there. No one wanted a sick person at work, no matter their academia and no mother wanted their sick child at work, no matter how much that child wanted it.

The main goal of surgery is to remove all of the cancer. If even a small number of cancer cells are left behind, they might grow and multiply to make a new tumor. To lower the risk of this happening, surgeons remove the tumor plus some of the normal tissue that surrounds it – I can even recite those words now, it’s become a reflex action, now.

Our oncologist said this was a malignant one and was spreading rather slowly hence it couldn’t be operated just about yet, but it was growing. You know the rest of the scenario, the doctors, the check-ups, the sickly appearance, the over-sized bills, the hospital rooms, the silent tears, the pity rooms and the sound of breaking dreams…. The chemotherapy started, wished I often missed and soon enough drinking became a friend and spending every day like it’s your last became a norm. I almost had drunken myself to death, you know.  I was so tired of seeing Indra worry, she had always worried about Uncle and now she was worrying about me. it was hard to live even with Fluffy around. And then came you. “

Gulping up her drink, Lexa looked up to Clarke, meeting her ocean blue eyes a she emphasized, _and then came you_. The moment the held each other’s eyes, it was almost like a battle of wrath, but if watched carefully it was more than just anger. It was sadness, anger, resentment and sadness. The moment came out of the blue and it also broke the moment Lexa got up to refill her glass.

“You fell from the sky onto my ground and hit me like hurricane Katrina. You were broken and maybe that’s what drew me into you. Two broken souls, who would have ever thought that.  I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but those little, silly, unimportant things you did and that line of yours, life should be more than about surviving, made me actually want to live.”

The mirthless laugh that spilled out of Lexa’s, caught Clarke off-guard, “It’s so silly, it is not? Life had been the greatest battle for me and I suddenly wanted to live it _. Huh._ “

“I started attending my therapy sessions again and it was going better for a while and just out of the blue, my condition started deteriorating. I was getting weaker and weaker, my hair was falling off, rather exponentially slower, much to the surprise of my doctor and I was so tired half the time. So when I heard that you were back from that victory of yours I came to visit. And maybe, that night was the beginning of the end. The tumor was creeping up my limbs, spreading exponentially and surgery had to be done immediately.

The months that followed were too painful. I had two surgeries and they promised that the third would be the final one. They said, they would salvage my leg, you know but bloody “complications” arose and to remove it all they made me an amputee.

I was broken, I felt empty, I felt abnormal, I felt not me. Indra and Costia, they pulled me up each time I fell but I just couldn’t. The physiotherapist said I wasn’t trying, I wasn’t trying hard enough and somehow along those lines that’s how I met Anya or Anya met me.” 

_Anya as in Anya Trikru was your physiotherapist?_ Lexa could almost read the shock on Clarke’s face.

“Yes. She was rather very harsh. She knew I wasn’t giving my best, I knew I wasn’t giving my best so one fine day she took me to meet a fellow cancer. The man was apparently having his fourth brain surgery even though there was a chance that he come out dead, but he was taking it anyway for he didn’t want to miss even that slimmest of chance to come home to his wife daughter.

He told me that they might have cut a leg from my body but they didn’t cut my soul, that it was still mine, still intact like it was 10 years ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? why didn’t you? I could have helped. I would have helped you. You know that, don’t you?”

Clarke stood up from her seat and moved across to seat right next to Lexa.

“Yes you would have, that’s why I didn’t.”

“What? Don’t give me riddles, I want answers.” Clarke needed her answers, it was owed to her.

“I’m giving them to you. What more do you want me to do?” Lexa almost snapped at her. “ Yes, you would have helped me but couldn’t have. You had your college, your friends, your dreams, and you think you could have managed a dead weight on your shoulders. You think you could have managed the screams in my chemotherapy, my horrendous mood swings, the weights of me, broken? You say that now, but you wouldn’t have. Indra didn’t. It wears you out slowly, it would have worn you out slowly and I would never wish that upon you. To see that light in you gone.”

“Yes, I might have failed, hell I would have failed but at least I could have tried. I wanted to try and don’t you dare make my decisions for me. I was never the naïve kid you think of me to be.”

“Clarke……”

Clarke’s voice raised an octave,

“Don’t. You should have told me. You owed me that decency at least instead of running and leaving me behind. Do you know the pain of being the one left behind? Do you? To be lied to, when all the while I thought we were friends, something even more but you didn’t. It hurted and it still hurts.”

And Lexa’s voice shimmered down an octave, almost a plea.

“I’m sorry, I ---- “

“You ran to Costia instead, your confidante, I believe? You made me think I was something to you, something more than a friend but I was just a warm body wasn’t I? If I made you live, why did you let me think … why not ever contact me? I called you so many times, I looked for you almost everywhere. “

“Do not belittle my pain here, Clarke. I lost too. ”

“Well, I lost my heart, I fell for you, Lexa Woods, too hard, too fast and I would have helped you to the utmost of my abilities if you would have let me and now it feels like I don’t even know you. “

“Clarke, I’m ………”

The door of her apartment slammed shut.

Clarke was too hot on her heels, screaming and shrieking ghastly and ever so minimally in the restraint of her mind that she nearly didn’t hear the cry of pain from behind her. Seeing Lexa sitting on the concrete wooden floor barefoot, with her walking aids sprawled on both sides, made Clarke run to her in a heartbeat. She immediately pulled up Lexa by the waist, without any protests from her, constantly asking her, if she was ok, if she had a sprain on any cuts. Even the mumbled no’s didn’t stop Clarke from her interrogation.

Laying on the couch, Clarke took a superficial look to satiate her mind that the brunette wasn’t indeed hurt. Lexa rolled her eyes, “ I do have survived worse, Clarke.”

“Yes, I forgot you are always an asshole to the people who give a shit to you.”

Clarke would have bantered again to prove her point but the crest-fallen look on Lexa made her insides turmoil in knots from which she would never get out.

“I… I shouldn’t have ran out like that, Lexa. I’m sorry…..”

“No, Clarke, I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry…..”

Clarke fell down on her knees and pulled Lexa upfront by the collar of her oversized shirt in a bones-breaking tight hug and somehow halfway, both had started crying in each other’s embrace, slightly out of agony but mostly out of the sheer loneliness of each other’s company.

“I missed you so much, Lex.”

“I missed you, Clarke”

Clarke snuffled her tears on Lexa’s shirt, “I thought…… “ _I had lost you forever_.

“You didn’t.”

Clarke lay curled on the floor on the verge of dozing off, her head settled on Lexa’s thigh who unconsciously ran her fingers through her mop of hair. They were both stuck in the silence of their own reverie when certain grandfather’s clock tolled one.  Clarke was already up but she somehow didn’t want to go to her hotel, not when she found the floor to be surprisingly so comfortable with a certain brunette as pillow, but even so she didn’t want to lay an assumption. Her eyes crept up to the front door, dancing to and fro between Lexa and the exit.

“Stay the night, Clarke.”

_Stay. The. Night. Three small words when put together they would hit you with more momentum than you actually give yourself credit for. Three words that made every thought in Clarke’s head halt,_

“Ok. “

 

 

 


	5. Counting the time in moments, in moments I'm falling for you (again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have to say I love fluff, the cheesy novella kinda fluff that swoons you from within and what's more fun than seeing that seeds of angst diminish to blossom into a whirlwind of romance, that slow burn. Duh, Cheesy, too cheesy.

Clarke gave the reins of Fluffy to an almost white haired woman, uh, girl who goes by Luna supposedly, a caretaker of animals in the small pet shop. Luna’s curious eyes trailed Clarke up and down as she clearly couldn’t understand as to how or rather what she was doing with Fluffy but Luna didn’t say anything since Fluffy appeared to be very familiar with the blonde once, constantly bulging her sides to pat him. Which the blonde did without a complain.

Clarke could see Luna asking her business when a very cordial Lexa stepped into the shop.

“Good morning, Luna.”

“Morning, Lexa.”

The “Luna” girl stepped in front of Clarke gesturing Lexa for coffee which she gently refused. For a slight moment, Clarke might have thought that the girl was too young not to mention too chirpy? for Lexa’s liking but come to think of it, she didn’t know Lexa’s type or even if she had one.

Clarke didn’t catch much of their conversation except, “sight-seeing”, “artist”, “friend from a bygone past”. “take care of him “… yada yada highlighted out.  

Once they were out, Lexa replied as if she was answering Clarke’s questions, “I do not prey on high-schoolers, Clarke.”

Clarke matched steps with Lexa, who had a pretty serious look on her face as she walked pleasantly steady steps, “They all very melodramatic and I’m too old for that.”

_And trust Lexa, to give a U-haul to a serious discussion._

“It would take someone years to visit everything in New York City... it may be impossible. But NYC is always awake and always waiting for new people to bask in it's glory.”

Lexa had apparently shifted away to cut their tickets somehow convincing Clarke that one of the best ways to get around New York City is of course by metro, It’s cheap and it’s efficient and not so say, a bit too crowded even for Lexa. But she had diligently refused, she was quite capable herself. Clarke tucked her floral dress and fidgeted with the end of the scarf when she couldn’t stop Lexa. The crowd was definitely unruly, almost pushing her onto someone, almost before Lexa held her up.

“You ok?”

“I’m alive so far. Thanks.”

Lexa shrugged, shuffling the tickets in her bag as she gestured Clarke to the opening doors of the metro, “I hope you are ready for the best 96 hours of your life, Griffin.”

_3 long years and Lexa had yet to come down from her high horse, geez. But hush, Clarke would only ever say these in her mind for she knew that Lexa could hear her even without words. It’s scary._

There first stop, Williamsburg.  

Lexa babbled out to Clarke’s enticing ears - Williamsburg is said to be one of the more popular neighborhoods in Brooklyn. Clarke felt it definitely has a very young feel as they spotted lots of twenty something year old’s roaming the streets enjoying spot flea markets, brimming with well-curated [vintage stores](http://www.timeout.com/newyork/shopping/best-vintage-stores-and-thrift-shops-in-new-york), [music stores](http://www.timeout.com/newyork/music/best-music-stores-in-nyc) and [gift shops](http://www.timeout.com/newyork/shopping/100-best-gift-shops).

“You should take back some souvenirs; I have been told the jewelry here is antique but a bit boho-inspired.”

The way Lexa air-quoted “boho-inspired” made Clarke burst in giggles.

“So, how had New York treated you so far?”

Clarke was slightly taken aback by the question only to find Lexa pointing out a small recorder in her hand, amused _. A live interview? Really?_

“More like catching the artisan, in the moment.” Lexa grinned out.

Lexa held out the recorder while Clarke flicked her hair golden mane back, feigning thoughtfulness, “Well, ask me 98 hours later.”

“Huh. We’ll see, Griffin.”

“We’ll see, Woods, after you impress the artisan.”

Second stop, Wall Street.

Coming to New York City gracing Wall Street with their presence was a must or so Lexa said.  This is where millions (or should Lexa say billions) were made and lost, all in a moment’s notice. It was common to see a large number of tourists walking around craning their necks looking up at the impressive skyscrapers. Each so high the Clarke had to crane her head so up that she feared it might get stuck there.

You’ll have to pop into the New York Public Library for a look at its beautiful interior and that’s how Clarke ended up within the enormous domain of the building and she couldn’t deny she wasn’t star-struck and yes a bit heat struck as well.

“If the nearly 53 million item collection doesn’t impress you, wandering through the specific theme rooms certainly will.  Originating in the 19th century, this is easily the top library in the United States if not the world.”

The sheer excitement that dripped in Lexa’s voice forced Clarke to imbibe in her every word like the holy grail, yeah that was Lexa’s impact with words. Clarke had to say that New York was starting to look up more with her beautiful New Yorker guide. What couldn’t that woman not do?

Clarke looked around and saw many heads hidden behind pages, old and new and yes, the architecture that inked the building was devastatingly beautiful. Peace and ambience. She looked around for Lexa only to find her scrolling down some books in the food section?

Clarke didn’t know if Lexa noticed, because most probably she didn’t otherwise Lexa wouldn’t just sniff the page. Yes, Lexa just sniffed that page and it’s following pages. This made Clarke roll out a silent laughter drawing Lexa’s attention who was, yeah redder than a tomato. Her low angry voice, a single word, “Clarke”, hushed the blonde. Lexa almost missed that eyes irking pout on the blonde and Lexa feigned anger, “I couldn’t resist the smell of new books. But if you ever utter so much so a word ---- “

“ I won’t, Scout’s honor.”

“You were never a scout girl, Clarke” and with that Lexa went towards the exit, her hips swaying behind her, too much to Clarke’s liking anyway.

 “You can’t come to New York and not have a slice of authentic New York style pizza, Clarke.”  Lexa belted out the words as if she was carrying out a slogan and she was getting far too seriously.

“I think I’ll even eat a horse if you can get me that. And what’s so great about NY pizza anyway? Ain’t the mechanism pretty much the same?”

Lexa gave her the, _you just had to ask look_ and Clarke more than knew for sure that she would be expecting a paragraph long lecture so she silenced her, “Just let me sit first , these heels are killing me.”

“I did warn ya, Griffy.”  And Clarke gave her the look, _that look – call me that again and you’ll say goodbye to your lovely ass. When Lexa had pointed out quite jovially on having a fine ass, she retracted her sentence and in all fairness Lexa liked her ass just the way it was, so she shut up._

Just as Clarke was going to take a bite, Lexa just had to say it,” What is unique about New York style pizza?  Taste it to find it out yourselves.”

“God, Lexa join the TRP business and let me eat.”

Clarke learnt that Lexa liked taking pics, of anything, everything and somehow the optical focus of today had been Clarke.

“You eat like a goufa,” Lexa shook her head all the while leaning in too close to wipe of that strain of cheese from Clarke’s cheek. Lexa had leaned in on instinct and she didn’t know about the sudden shortage of distance until Clarke was too close to her for her own comfort, her warm pepperoni filled breathe on her face.

“Goufa?”

“Child. I learnt it, a form of Ukrainian language.”

That satisfying look on Clarke face wasn’t ever lasting when Lexa whispered into her ears, “I know. I told you so, Prisa” and yet again like before, like always, she was let breathless. _Cruel._

And the interview questions didn’t stop. Not that Clarke minded them. She didn’t, not at all.

_You are seeing New York today as a commoner amidst masses, what does it feel now when you know you might be the star shining the brightest all?_

_Words of your success at the Trikru Gallery has spread like wildfire. What had been your thoughts, right then and there, in those moments?_

_Your paintings, they spoke out even to eyes who didn’t understand art, where does this inspiration come in you?_

_Paintings “Penance, Absolution” and “Frozen Drops”, these two has been showering with applauses. I’m, however, very curious about the tales of their names? Are there any?_

Yes, questions flowed about her work, her life, her home, her everything, about her inspiration and Clarke tried to answer them all, she tried for in some questions in looked upto Lexa for answers, as if she held the key to so many answers because she did and Clarke didn’t know yet how to still talk about them. She talked about anything and everything apart from Lexa and yes, Bellamy, her partner in life. She avoided him, rather his name like the plague. She figured what was the point in telling Lexa about Bellamy, it wasn’t like she owed it to her but somehow she felt guilty. But still she didn’t tell her him.

Time flew as well. And somehow Clarke didn’t realize that or maybe she didn’t like putting it to a stop. She didn’t know when she went back to the hotel and when she came out again. But this time she was better equipped, in skinny jeans and sneakers.

 The Cloisters will make her feel like you’ve travelled over to Europe as it is a peaceful retreat from Manhattan’s busy streets. And Lincoln Centre was a space that celebrates the performing arts as it is home to the opera, the ballet and the theatre.

“Art aficionados like you loves Lincoln Center” Lexa quipped from behind her.

And the next up in their list, the triangular shaped skyscraper was one of the most iconic buildings in the city - Flatiron Building, standing aloof above everyone else.

They wandered the streets soaking in everything the city had to offer from the old European style buildings in lower Manhattan to the completely over-the-top video displays, billboards, and multiple story high advertisements of Times Square.

They stood now in Times Square – the busiest intersection in all of New York City. If you’re going to be visiting Lexa would definitely recommend you come at night time when all of the lights are on and hordes of people come out to play.

Times Square has often been nicknamed “The Centre of the Universe” and “The Crossroads of the World”. An estimated 330,000 people pass through daily or so Lexa had informed her.

They had the best cup of coffee in the West Village and a yummy organic IPA in Brooklyn Heights. Clarke and Lexa drank rye on the rocks in a rooftop bar and a jalapeno cilantro margarita in Bedford. Moonshine in Astoria, wine in Queens, and lemonade in Chelsea. They walked around the site of 9/11 and looked at the buildings and streets and businesses that surrounded the area.

If you’re looking for a bargain, Chinatown would truly be a fun place to visit. The storefronts usually spill onto the sidewalks. It’s one of the few places where Clarke could haggle on the price of things or if not then at least you can enjoy dim sum.

Next stop, Statue of Liberty.

Saving the best for the last?

Lexa, for a moment, stopped her passage up the stairs of the Liberty and answered with a smile tugging somewhere deep, “Certainly one of the best but definitely not the last. I present you, the Statue of Liberty which was France's gift to America. It was built in 1886 and remains a famous world symbol of freedom.”

A climb to the crown afforded them both a panoramic view of New York Harbor and the chance to see the literal nuts and bolts of Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi’s creation. And the fading brilliance of the distant setting sun upon the New York line was an added bonus.

Lexa looked up to Clarke who was inhaling in the view led in front of her, all the while Lexa inhaled Clarke. She had gone for cropped jeans and ballerina shoes with a white chiffon blouse. And under the breezy winds, her golden strands flew up on her face and in that very moment, Lexa felt as if she had descended from the sky. _God, you are beautiful_ , Lexa thought aloud.

Too aloud.

Clarke’s head immediately jerked back to Lexa, who was already retreating her steps back, making Clarke almost believe that maybe just maybe Lexa didn’t mean those words. Not to her , anyway.

And there was Fifth Avenue which has had a reputation as New York's premier shopping area. Many top end designers have their flagship stores located along this famous avenue.

Clarke was too busy in her drooling over Lexa that she didn’t even notice her legs, which were almost going numb due to the sudden stress of cycling.

Central Park, also known as the lungs of New York City, is massive public park located in Manhattan with a plethora of different entrances. It is almost like a bit of a maze and Lexa decided to get the best of it, Central Park really is a great place for a bike ride. It sounded like a pretty glamorous idea to Clarke and seeing Lexa changing out of her baggy pants into track pants was like adding fuel to a fire. She was enchanted.

And she was slightly a bit embarrassed to see that Lexa wasn’t even getting tried like herself, so she decided to kinda overtake her. She sped up and when she was at per with Lexa, she threw her a face splitting grin all the while taking her eyes of want was in front of her. Yes, she might has ran straight into a light post and she might have actually toppled Lexa too.

Lexa felt a flick of emotion pass through her, not pain but fear when the prosthetic leg got detached from her. She wondered if people were looking at her in pity and her eyes were searching frantically for it only to see that Clarke was slowly attaching it back to her leg. The calming hand that the blonde placed on her acted like a soothing balm, “No one looked Lexa because it wasn’t anything out of the extraordinary. It happens to the best of us.”

And that reassuring smile of Clarke was all that took to soothe her. 

St. Patrick's Cathedral was one of New York's finest examples of Gothic Revival, with its massive bronze doors is a major destination for believers and tourists alike. The building was erected in 1879 and has been carefully restored and maintained throughout its existence.

“I haven’t been to a church for as long as I can remember. It feels weird.”

There was not another soul in for as far as eyesight went and within the empty halls, Lexa’s words echoed. Again and again.

“Why not?”

“I lost faith a long time ago.”

Clarke ran her hand through Lexa’s arms and placed her head on her shoulders, “Maybe all you have to do is just have to find it again.” _And who knows maybe you’ll find more than you expected._

Her words, too echoed but only within the small aperture of Lexa’s mind.

Perhaps, or most definitely their last stop -The Empire Building.

The Empire State Building is a 102-story skyscraper located in Midtown Manhattan, New York City, on Fifth Avenue between West 33rd and 34th Streets, as the world's tallest building for nearly 40 years, from its completion in early 1931 until the topping of the original World Trade Center's North Tower.

Try imagining NYC’s skyline without the towering spire of the Empire State Building. Impossible, right? Yes, it was impossible to Lexa.

The Empire State Building has already been immortalized in countless photos and acclaimed films but the visual, the eccentric, rather adrenaline rush that one got from seeing it with their one’s open eyes was indeed an eye opener. It was a shining beacon of hope and pride for the people of New York The building was breath-taking, casting an overwhelming shadow in the east on a silent New York morning. The sky was a soft baby blue and the gentle stirs of the wind was gentle.

“Did you bring your phone by any chance, I forgot mine.”

Clarke walked to Lexa who had been so mesmerized by the view that she didn’t what to disturb her. Lexa checked her pockets instantly but she turned out empty handed.

“I forgot, as well. Why?”

“I wanted a picture.”

“Of yourself? I can -----“

“----- of you. I mean, me and you, you and me, together, I guess?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. It’s all right though.”

Clarke’s face fell immediately. But she whirled around to not let Lexa see it but Lexa saw her anyway. It felt weird to Clarke, but standing on the top of iconic building, she somehow wanted to picture frame her first time with Lexa. _Her first time with Lexa, the thought made her stomach torch up in butterflies. Butterflies?_

“Excuse me, sir? Could you take a picture of us.”

Lexa pointed as herself and Clarke who was shrinking so far away in the crowd that Lexa had to ran after her.

“Come.”

“Wha---“

“He’s gonna take our picture.” Pointing to a distant man with grey hair who was smiling goofily at them.

“You let him touch your “prized baby”? But not me?”

“Just stand still, Clarke.” Lexa rounded her hand over to Clarke to still her movements, calling out to that elder man, “Please be careful with it.”

“Don’t forget to smile, Klark.”

Clarke just turned to face Lexa with a too much shining joy in her eyes, almost mischief lairing under her eyes and Lexa, who’s head was tilt a bit to the left of the blonde, holding her close. Smiling. And that’s how the picture clicked. Too pure. Too true.

The old man handed Lexa her camera, “You make quite the couple.”

Their dinner had run very late and they were almost running down the stairs of the subway to catch the already leaving metro. Lexa somehow sprinted before Clarke and entered the closing doors before they shut. Clarke stood shocked and hurt as the train started moving, leaving the station along with Lexa, who was visually making faces at her. Clarke had even tired almost banging open the shutting doors but Lexa had coyly locked them up. Clarke looked at the tail lights as they slowly drifted into the tunnel’s darkness.

She felt small tears stinging in her ears, _did Lexa found it a joke to leave her behind? She was obviously mocking her but her level of humour didn’t match mine. The joke seemed to far stretched and instead of joking it ached her heart._

Clarke was sitting in a far too empty station when a man, yes, a totally drunk man was stuttering towards her, the empty bottle of rum clicking the rails of the staircase. Clarke sunk deeper into her seat, praying to make that man go away. She tried not to look but her eyes betrayed her as she saw him moving closer and closer. Her eyes were strained on him nearing closeness that she didn’t recognize Lexa coming down the stairs.

It wasn’t until later that Clarke saw her in her periphery and the relief was flooding inside her but she was far to scared to the move from the man hovering over her. Lexa noticed her uneasy and soon found the source of her discomfort.

She walked out to Clarke and made her presence known to the obviously over-aged drunkard and giving Clarke a wink, she flung her hands over to the intruder and hugged him. Clarke was paralyzed, yes she was. _What was Lexa doing? Hugging that--- what if he was a deranged sociopath --?_

But much to her utter surprise, the drunkard was apparently so startled, or scared that upon freeing himself from Lexa’s hug, he ran away.

“You scared him away, Clarke.”

Clarke soon broke free from her reverie, “I don’t know what to say. You are crazy.”

“Huh, what can I say, you bring the craziness out of me.”

Ok, now Clarke had to laugh.

 

 

 


	6. One step forward, two steps back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll do the editing once the chapters are up! Until then..

Clarke was somehow still reeling from anger over the fight that Bellamy and she had over the phone and the painting that may out in front of her was the living proof of it. The while paper has been smeared in blood red and black with the pale yellow and green playing in submissive. Anya and Clarke had been in talks about showcasing Clarke Griffin’s work again, and Anya had somehow with her silver tongue had coaxed Clarke into signing a contract, since she couldn’t let “Sky Princess” or so the art community had nicknamed her, slip from her fingers.

 And Clarke couldn’t say she wasn’t happy, because she was and because this meant that she had to stay in NY quite more than she would want. But Bellamy’s life was grounded in California, his whole being was in California, shifting to NY meant uprooting his whole life and maybe that’s what ignited the flame to their discussion. Another reason, might have been the fact that she might have wanted very gently tried Bell to postpone the “wedding date” while, Clarke was pretty sure was like adding flames to the ignited flame.

Ok, so the real reason, Clarke was so angry because she was angry with herself and lately all she could think was of Lexa. Her articulately beautiful face was everywhere, her melodious, husky voice was as if the only sound she heard and that wasn’t even the worst thing that could happen to her. The worst was yet to hit her, she might still have very positive feelings towards her ex-lover. The ex-lover was yet to know about Clarke’s present lover, um , fiancé.

_I hope, I can change the way you think about New York, about me, Prisa._

_You already have, Lexa._

She didn’t know how she should describe it, but it was as if the winds carried her words, echoing into Clarke’s ears. The ringing of her phone busted her out of her trance, her scowl evident on her face as she greeted the caller without checking the caller id.

“What?”

“Maybe I should call back another time?”

Whatever negativity that Clarke had in her dissipated in thin air as she smiled into the mellow voice, “No, it’s just not have been such a good morning.”

“Oh.”

Clarke didn’t know how her own mouth betrayed her, as she shyly whispered a, “Hi”, in into the phone.

“Hello.”

The response was equally in hushed delicacy like herself, from the other end. The obviously flustered voice cleared her throat as she spoke out,

“I have tickets for tonight’s baseball game and Anya pretty much ditched me for some date on the nick of time, so I was wondering if you would accompany me?”

The reply was too immediate.

“So I’m your last resort? Geez, thanks, Woods.”

“Well, Anya told me you were busy with your art so I didn’t want to intrude.”

Clarke could almost feel Lexa biting her lips, in anticipation and nervousness, _even if she wasn’t with her, not with; with her, but you know, anyway_

“You could never intrude; you are always welcome.” Clarke might have cursed her own mouth for betraying her so blatantly.

There was some throat clearing on both sides, yet again.

“Its Red Sox v/s Yankees, Clarke. It starts at 5.30 so I’ll pick you up. Can’t be late to that.”

“Sure.”

Sure, that she was not. Baseball matches were not her scene. Yes, Clarke was well aware of the baseball teams, but she somehow never understood their rivalry over a stupid ball. No offense, and it’s not that she would ever tell this to anyone but baseball and Clarke were more like side-line strangers. And no, she didn’t ever watch a single baseball match even though Bell had persuaded her so many times. It was boring and yeah plain boring.

Apparently Clarke’s boring-ness was like flying pheromones that even Lexa could see them from miles ahead but Lexa was squealing with excitement way too much to actually point it out. She was already worn a Yankees jersey and a Yankees hat, all in all she screamed.

The door to the stadium was something close to pandemonium. No, it was avalanche, only of humans. Everywhere Clarke looked she only saw heads and heads, people from all walks of life has apparently graced her with their presence, from families to friends to even screaming supporters to quite lonely people, all where there emitting out an aura of excitement and happiness that Clarke couldn’t help but melt in.

“I don’t know a B of baseball, Lexa.” Clarke grumbled out like a 5 year old not willing to go out of the car, feeling a tad bit stupid amidst everyone.

“Then you’ll watch and learn. And even if, which I think you won’t, for some very absurd reason you still happen to find it boring then that’s all right too Clarke.”

Lexa took off her Yankees hat and placed it tenderly on the blonde’s head, who wore it with grace.

“You already look like Yankees fan, Griffin. “

No sooner they bypassed the doors to the stadium, the spectators separated like the Red Sea, a clear line of demarcation between the reds and the blues, the people scowling and growling at each other as if they had just entered the World War zone.

Sometimes there were cheers so hard, that it was ear deafening and sometimes the silence was too long that it was heart-shattering. In a lapse of 3 hours and 17 mins , Clarke felt herself  swaying to the rhythm of the play, questioning Lexa time and again about this and that, and cheering as loudly as she could whenever she got the chance. The game had been a total roller-coaster, surging of emotions of sorts and the last two minutes were undoubtedly the hardest, Clarke and Lexa holding on to one another. A home-run was needed by the Yankees to seal the deal but doing it so under the wrath of the Sox pitcher hasn’t been a cake on the walk.

The whole stadium lay in a graveyard silence, and it was only when the ball had been hit so far that it disappeared into the thousand heads of the Yankee stadium, that the commentor had started to sing praises of the batsmen, a roar broke all hell down. The Yankees had sealed the deal with a kiss. Or at least Lexa and Clarke did. It wasn’t too passionate, it was more like a brush of two pairs of lips in the heat of the moment but it was there. And for a few seconds, earth stood still for the pair.

“I have to say Clarke, you make a good cheerleader.”

And just like that, all the awkwardness whammed as if it was never there. _At least for the time being._

The quietude in the car persisted as both of them had been adrift to their own Neverlands. Clarke would time and again try her best not to glance up to her much stoic companion who’s eyes sought out the road in front. Calm and bereft of emotions, yes, that was what Clarke saw on her face. A blank slate much unlike hers. Clarke couldn’t get own that feeling of her ghost lips, it had been barely a touch, yet her lips burnt. Clarke didn’t know what was going on in Lexa’s head, _what if she just did it in the heat of the moment, what if it didn’t mean anything, what if it meant something, what would this mean for her ,for Lexa for Bellamy. Oh God, Bellamy, oh my god, shit. Clarke needed a drink, no, she wanted to drown herself in a carton of whiskey._

Lexa might have feared that the circulation in her hands would stop anytime soon since she had been gripping the wheel to tight for her liking. She didn’t know how could she be this stupid, Clarke and she, they had been trading on thin ice, their renewed friendship has been good to her and now she has probably put a ten feet deep hole in that because of her stupid feelings. _Clarke had said she fell for Lexa, that she had loved her. Past. Loved. Not anymore. But Lexa was going to get whatever Clarke would give her, no ifs or buts, she would wait for Clarke to make the move first. Ok, wait it out. Yes, Lexa would kill for bourbon now._

Le Bain.

A penthouse discotheque and rooftop bar on the top floor of The Standard, High Line in the Meatpacking District featured a state-of-the-art sound system and exclamation-inspiring views.

The crowd that was outside the nothing compared to the ones inside. According to Lexa, there had been tight policy door that ensured that the people inside were privileged, and once you get past that velvet rope that dance floor was all yours.

“How do you have a card then? A member?”

Curiosity was an untamed trait in Clarke that always got the better of her, but she knew for sure that there was a story behind this too. With Lexa, there was always a story.

On the sunken dance floor, hip to hip crowds gyrated to deep beats from top DJs, energetic explorers conceivably had apparently skipped the daytime completely indulging themselves in the lavishing cocktails.

“Costia introduced me and the owner and I became acquaintances of sorts. Perks of being a NYT official. Soon enough you are going to be a hot favorite, Griffin.”

There was a slight hitch in her voice upon mentioning Costia’s name didn’t go unnoticed by Clarke though.

“No, no. Just positive thoughts today, Lex. Just you and me, today like old times.”

_Like old times, huh?_

“I’m going to get myself a drink. Can I get you something?”

“Surprise me, Lexa Woods.”

There was a cutting tone underlining Clarke’s voice, that playful smirk already in play against her lips. Lexa took a few steps forward until she was inches away from her, she bends over to Clarke, her lips almost brushing Clarke’s ears, her voice coming out like a purr, “You do know, Griffin, I’m a woman of many talents, am I not?”

Clarke was quite some distance away when she saw Lexa shaking her head vehemently to a brunette. As she speaks, Clarke could almost feel Lexa’s turmoil talking to the still face guarded brunette, her face transforming from excitement to worry, tipping in between sorrow and guilt. Clarke almost ran half the way up, bitter thoughts crossing her mind, _what if it’s her health, what if Lexa’s going to run out on her, what if she wasn’t all right…._

But all the worry and concern became inked in green jealousy as the brunette … Costia? Bend over and kissed Lexa on the cheek and almost giving back a sad smile to Clarke before she disappeared out through the exit.  _Was Lexa backed with Costia or something? How, when, why? But then what about Costia’s partner?  Did Lexa even know about him? No matter what her thought it always ended with Lexa and somehow Lexa being with someone else, anyone else felt like a bullet in her heart._

in between the thoughts that wrecked her soul, Clarke almost lost sight of Lexa who was moving fast past the people towards the parking lot, towards her car. No matter how hard, she called, Lexa seemed to have tuned her out so Clarke had no choice but chase her down. When she was within arm’s reach, she pulled Lexa by her shoulders, ready to rant out her speech of leaving her behind when she came face to face with a tear stricken Lexa.

_Sometime during her stay in NY, Clarke had asked Lexa the question that had always been haunting her in some minute form or another, so one fine day, Clarke blurted it out, “Who was Costia to you, Lexa?”_

_Who was she? How important was she to you?_

_“Costia was a little bit of everything to me, Clarke. She has been a friend I could ever wish for, a lover who somehow I couldn’t reciprocate the same feelings towards, a second daughter that Indra was proud of, a well-wisher of my health and a confidante of my struggle. She’s family to me, Clarke.”_

_She’s family to me._

_Those four words, the way Lexa said them has been cemented in her soul for eternity._

**She was already running late but Lexa couldn’t leave find her pills. Almost whole of her apartment was shuffled, she tried to leave no corner untouched but that burning anxiety in her chest was making her head too heavy and she couldn’t think straight. She was cursing out and no matter what she did, from her bathroom to her kitchen, to even her most hidden of places, she couldn’t find them. Her breathing was getting more frantic, her movements got slackened and before she knew it, blackness engulfed her like twirling thick smoke.**

**She tried her best to open her eyelids but they weighed like a ton each, and whatever peek she got they were mostly a blur but two familiar voices caught her ear along with a rather rough voice. She tried to voice out but her throat was all of a sudden dry and too itchy. The bed underneath was soft, much unlike the cold hardwood, she fell on. She didn’t know if anyone saw her gaining that glimpse of consciousness because in a moment’s wink of an eye, she dozed off into a land with dreams.**

**Ok, so I’m in a hospital. That was Lexa’s first thought presumably. Shit, I’m in a hospital. That was her second thought for sure. She took in the same old room setup yet again, different hospital but the same old same rooms. Lexa often thought that the hospitals should brighten up their wards, it would certainly spike some interest in people even if they dislike it. What was that saying, every bad publicity is still publicity. Lexa started fidgeting with her IV tubes that were connected to her hand and when she held out her hand to touch that slight hinge on her forehead, she led out a little yelp.**

**“Doctor said that it’ll hurt for a while.”**

**Costia entered and sat at the end of her bed, all the while looking at Lexa, who quite noticeably did her best to avoid those piercing doe eyes. Yes, Lexa had apparently lied, or rather withheld the truth about her condition (that’s still lying though) because she wanted to be normal. Just normal for once. And since Costia was aspiring to be a doctor, that added more reason more Lexa to avoid the topic but somehow Lexa knew that Costia doubted her, well a sick person like her couldn’t be very slick at hiding.**

**“You literally gave a heart attack, Lexa.**

**I read your charts. And I guess, I can relate as to why you didn’t tell me but I somehow can’t put away this feeling that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me, even as a friend.”**

**Yes, that was how Lexa came to talking to Costia for the first time during the summer classes of photography at NYU. Costia’s mother had been suffering from leukemia for quite some time and often he tried to push away her family, because somehow she wanted them to evade seeing her pain, the pain that was in a sick way mocking him. She heard that he injected himself with some sort of medicine for she couldn’t put her family through hell. It wasn’t a few weeks after, that Lexa found Costia crying in her arms. _Her fight is over_. That day Lexa decided that somehow she would not let her friend go through that away. **

**“I should have told you.”**

**“Damn, right you should have. I should have noticed it before even so.”**

**“Well, I do live to fight another day, so no biggie.” Lexa gave her a half smirk.**

**“Don’t your dare laugh about this.”, that tone was one Lexa knew too well.**

**“Come here.”**

**And Costia threw her hands around Lexa who accepted her in whatever form her weak hands could do.**

**“Its treatable Lexa. Its treatable.”, Costia was nearly on the verge of her outburst.**

**Lexa might have trembled just a bit, hope was never her was it, but Costia held her, “Don’t you dare give up. You don’t have to do this alone, Indra doesn’t have to do this alone anymore. You have me too.”**

**“Yeah, where is she anyway?”**

**“Cafeteria food sucks so she went out to get some food.”**

**After a beat, Costia asked, “Want a cheeseburger?”**

**“You just had to ask, didn’t you?”**

**Lexa had a no-relationship policy, maybe because she didn’t have anymore to give to anyone. Because just maybe she have her remaining bits to a certain Prisa. Lexa often grew nostalgic and somehow after living California, and her behind that had only intensified. Lexa would often justify herself in the mirror that her said clinic and college were all in New York, that she did the right decision of letting her go before it fossilized them both but the heart wanted what it wanted. She had grown paler often the year, physically weak even though mentally she stood astute, her eyes might have lost that glistening freshness maybe because she lacked that blue sky to illuminate her path. Lexa thought a lot, her parents would sometimes occupy her mind more than she could give credit for, the ones whom she had lost at a very tender age of 2. Honestly, she didn’t remember them that much, they seemed to be alive only in the picture framed memories anyway. From that age of 2, her world revolved around Indra, the woman who took her under her wings and made her what she was today. But that didn’t stop Lexa from discriminating herself, she wanted Indra to be proud of her, of her stature, her accomplishments and maybe that had been what had put her through all these years along with the unquenching thirst of seeing the world.**

**Weeks turned to months and in that time she often found Costia catching stolen glances at her, the ones if Lexa wasn’t mistaken, one would share with their crush or lover? Costia and Lexa, they were been through a lot together and often there were times when they even crossed that line of friendship but so Lexa is was more of an improvisation of sorts but maybe to Costia it was more.**

**“We shouldn’t continue this.”**

**“What?”**

**Costia might have been a bit half dazed from the last orgasm so she didn’t hear her correctly or even if she did she maybe didn’t want it to be what she heard.**

**“We shouldn’t continue this.”**

**After a beat, Lexa added, “I don’t do relationships.”**

**“I know.”**

**“I thought we set rules, some boundaries.”**

**“We all have them, but we often fail to follow them. Don’t we, Lex?”**

**_Yes. True. Costia for Lexa. Lexa for_ ** **_Clarke._ **

**“I can’t give you what you want Costia.”**

**“I know that too, Lex.”**

**Sometimes during their night-outs together, Lexa’s mind often flooded with images of that night with Clarke. A single night with infinite flame that could have light up the entire town. A night when she was just her Lexa and she was just her Clarke. Costia didn’t miss that faraway and longing look on Lexa and sometimes she rigged of jealousy, of who might be that woman to steal away that heart and sometimes Costia would smile to herself  that whoever she was, she had Lexa forever.**

**“Has it ever happened to you, Cos, that you meet that someone who just leaves their footprints in you and somehow you’ll never be the same again?”**

**_I have._ ** **Lexa’s thoughts beamed so loudly that Costia almost shuddered underneath them.**

curled her friend underneath her arms, as they both got seated in the cramped up back seat of her car.

“Did Costia hurt you?”

The sheer vexation in Clarke’s voice made Lexa feel that slight amber of heat somewhere in her gut.

“No.”

“Then what ----“

“I deserved it, Clarke. I do.”

Lexa pulled her face away from Clarke to face the other side, the blackness of the outside wall. The tears, thought they have dried up, the streak of stream that had run down her cheeks were quite evident. When she let herself relive her talk with Costia that evening, Lexa could feel the dam inside herself was about to break anytime soon.

“Tell me what happened? Did Costia say something? Please, tell me what got you so broken? Let me be there for you, Lexa.”

“When I said, Costia was like a daughter to Indra, she truly was. When I said she’s family to me, she truly is and when I say that it’s my fault, it truly is.”

There was a momentary pause,

“I didn’t attend the funeral. Her funeral. I was away, you know.”

Her voice broke with unshed tears.

“I was in Alaska that time and Indra’s health had been fluctuating for quite some time then. I was on the verge of my promotion and that article would have sealed the deal. It did but and add to my luck that perhaps the biggest snowfall had hit Alaska this decade. Costia, Anya … they left me countless messages, voicemails, you name it.

Messages got in but I couldn’t send one out. No private planes were willing to fly to the south, they couldn’t risk it, no matter the emergency. A week passed and by the time I was home, she had already been buried. I didn’t even get to see her one last time, the woman who took care of me, I didn’t even get to tell her how much I respected her, needed her, how much I loved her, how much I was sorry. The weight of these words unsaid, they are too heavy, Clarke and I just can’t ---“

She thought that Lexa would move away from her, unearth those walls around her to barricade her but Lexa snuggled closer to her, as she lay her head on her neck, gripping her tightly by her waist. Clarke could feel the tunic of her dress slowly getting wet but she couldn’t find any words of what to say. Sometimes it was better to be silent, anyways. So instead she took Lexa’s hands in her own, may Lexa will know that she isn’t alone. Not anymore.

It was just 2.20 am in the morning and Lexa and Clarke had never felt for awake. They had somehow promised that they would revive their Yankees spirit and ended up “awing” and “owing” and constantly giggling the barren streets of Little Italy, usually in an urban neighborhood. ethnic enclave populated primarily by Italians or people of Italian ancestry.

 Lexa was almost on the brim of eating up her own fingers as she ogled the remnants of the Italian pizza. Clarke and she had been walking for quite some time now, their fingers brushing now and then and Lexa might have started to limp just a bit in her prosthetic leg but when Clarke tried to stop her, she mumbled about a “169 Bar” and “needing a good drink”

For the second time, today in the span of 8 hours they entered another bar but the atmosphere here was a contrast to that of Le Bain. The 169 seemed an obscure place to get a beer on the cheap and its inhabitants choosing whatever poison they wanted and yes, drinks were flying around as if it was just 11pm. Lexa and Clarke decided to go total hardcore as Lexa thrusted a whiskey in Clarke hands, no sooner than she herself downed her contents in a single gulp.

“Slow down there, Commander.”

Lexa quirked an eyebrow at that nickname as she hushed out a, “Then you better gear up faster, Prisa.”

Almost in a challenge, Clarke inhaled in her drink. Ok, so Clarke wasn’t a straight up whiskey patron but damn, it felt good.

“I’m running out of stories to tell. Share me yours?”

_Share me, yours?_ Golden opportunities like this doesn’t come knocking at your door often and yet this was the right time to tell Lexa about Bellamy. Lexa deserved to know. She did. Often Clarke felt like she was cheating on Lexa by carrying out a very entangled affair with Bellamy Blake in the background even though it should have felt the other way round, but hear hear, it didn’t. And yeah, she might also ask or show hints about that chaste kiss too.

Clarke ordered another refill from the bartender, and Lexa gave her a raised eyebrow in return.

“Liquid courage.”  Clarke thought aloud.

Lexa was all ears but like always, or so it appeared to Clarke, they were interrupted by two girls, one of them who even had the audacity, _ok notch it down a level, Griffin,_ had the ability to pull in Lexa for a much too tight hug for Clarke’s liking, who even returned the hug enthusiastically.

The bubbling blonde girl seemed too excited to have spotted Lexa, “Heda, finally gracing us with her presence after you disappeared out on us,” pointing to that raven haired giraffe legs on her right and herself.

_Heda? Maybe I need to carry a translator too._

Lexa nervously glanced to Clarke, who raised eyebrows, dared her to make the move, almost questioning her. Finding her voice, Lexa introduced the people about,

“I had some other assignments. And yes, Clarke meet Niylah and the Miss Grumpy here, Selene.”

The blonde one winked at Clarke but she stopped whatever she was going to do upon receiving the death glare from Lexa.

The black haired one however or the so called Selene feigned innocence as she playfully hit Lexa by her arm, purring out a “I distinctly remember “Grumpy” to be not amongst those words you said to me the last time you were in my bed, Heda,” which was loud enough for even Clarke to hear despite the ear barring music.

Clarke faced felt like turning to stone and Lexa violently coughed of her drink, muttering a “Jesus” under her breathe. Lexa immediately turned to look up at Clarke who had found the disco lights to be quite suddenly more intriguing.

Niylah, on the other hand, was in a way narrating a long-short version of how the whole “gang” had met Lexa during her stay in Ukraine or so that was the part that Clarke had listened to before she tuned out the blonde completely.

“Lexa, the whole gang is here and just join us, why don’t you, I’m pretty sure, we all have a lot of catching up to do. ” Yet again, purred Selene. _Enough with the purring, bitch._

_A lot of catching up to do? Really? Can she sound anymore obvious? Couldn’t she see that Lexa already had company?_ Clarke eyes might have been shot up like saucers and she was afraid the whiskey glass on her would crack any second. Her eyes darted to Lexa would seemed be contemplating it. _Really?_

Lexa looked up to Clarke, as if she waited for her to say something, anything. But she sat there like a statue craved in marble. She might have glanced up at her for a moment or two before looking back to the dance floor. Lexa had seen how Niylah’s eyes were drifting to the blue-eyed girl time and again and it didn’t help her when Clarke was so intently listening whatever Niylah was babbling on.

“I’ll go and say hi to the gang, ok?”

Lexa waited for her to say something, _don’t go or at least take me with you but_ Clarke nodded her head in acknowledgement. As if she almost didn’t care.

“I’ll keep her company, Lexa.” The much oblivious Niylah chirped in.

So that was what Clarke saw – Selene pulling Lexa by the arm, dragging her to meet the gang, Lexa head falling behind as she laughed to something that long-haired guy babbled, the crashing of beer bottles and Selene moving in and kissing Lexa. _Not her. Never her._ That was it before, Clarke pushed the nearing Niylah and her nearing lips, and ran out of the exit. She heard the concerned wails of Niylah, not Lexa, but she didn’t stop. She ran.

They were in Manhattan, just a few or 10 blocks away from her hotel. So Clarke ran, as if her whole body was on fire. She ran as she felt so stupid for wearing her heart on her sleeve yet again for Lexa. She ran out of jealousy, on seeing Lexa laugh so openly with strangers and not herself. She ran because she knew she had no claim on Lexa, because unlike Clarke who had lied to her, Lexa never did, she was free to be with anyone who she liked, anyone who accepted her. She ran ignoring the glances of people who cast her worried looks. She ran because she felt her heart break again.

Her blouse and the skirt seemed drenched in sweats and tears. She jumped slightly on the slight opening of her room door, which she sure she had locked up. And her breath hitched on seeing the intruder.

 

 


	7. Now there's winter in my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's short and it's very short. I'll add more soon enough.

Lexa didn’t know what happened. _Ok, she might have a tad bit idea but still it was very vague._ All she knew or from what she deduced from Niylah’s description was that, she might have tried to kiss Clarke, _which might have made Lexa run her fist down Niylah’s throat but Selene stopped her_ , and maybe she had been uncomfortable or something so she ran out like her ass was on fire.

Lexa was panting. The moment she found about Clarke’s disappearance, she roared her engine to live and zoomed up to the first destination that she might thought Clarke to be. And like a cherry on top of Lexa’s disaster, the elevators in Clarke’s hotel had been off so she had to run all the way to the 5th floor.

Lexa stood in front of Clarke, or vice – versa but Clarke didn’t move or say anything. She just stood there. Lexa took admission into Clarke’s room and flung her legs to sit up on the cold bed. Getting her breathing under control, Lexa spoke.

"Ever thought of running a marathon, Griffin?"

_Poorly executed joke, Lexa._

Clarke seemed stoic as ever. She took Lexa before turning her back to whatever she was doing. _She wasn’t doing anything in particular, anyways._

“What are you doing here, Lexa?”

“I came to find you.”

Lexa’s eyebrow scrunched in confusion. _What the hell is she talking about?_  

“Stop being naïve. I meant, what are you doing here when you should be in Selene’s bed?” Clarke turned to face the other girl who’s face really reflected confusion. _Oh my god._

“You… what.. you think I should be in Selene’s bed? You want me to be in her bed?”

“No. NO. I would never want you to be in anyone else’s bed other than….

You wanted to be in that vile girl’s bed. Not me. You. Who just let her kiss you. You.”

Clarke closed the distance between her and the risen girl emphasizing on the “You” while she poked her each finger on her chest as she pinpoint it out. Lexa might not say it aloud but the mocking pinching actually hurt her chest.

“You know, Prisa, green is such a lovely color on you.” An all too well knowing smirk escalated on Lexa’s face that Clarke would just love to kiss off.

And so she did. She pulled Lexa in by the collar of her pants and crashed their lips together. Clarke hungrily sought her lips. It took a second for Lexa to realize what was happening, but when Clarke bit her bottom lip, moaning into her mouth as she begged entrance for her tongue in. The kiss was anything but gentle, it was rough, firm, teeth-biting and tongue soothing kind of a kiss. But when they pulled back they gasped for air, not because the kiss was long but it literally took their breathes away.

Foreheads rested against each other, as Clarke ran her hands on the strong outline of Lexa’s face, facing feather kisses down the trail.

“I wanted to kiss you for a long time, Lexa and I was scared that maybe, just maybe you wanted her too. You seem to bring out the best and the worst in me.”

“Not everyone. Not anyone.” _Just you._

She grasped her wrist and pulled her down upon her.

“I want to kiss you, Clarke. I want to do so much more than kiss you.”

_Light one up and hand it over, rest your head upon my shoulder.  
I just wanna feel your lips against my skin._

Clarke’s eyes widened at the declaration. The mere mention of Lexa’s kissing made her pulse racing.

“Are you drunk, Lexa? Please tell me you aren’t.”

Clarke was desperate to know this wasn’t just the alcohol talking. She needed to know that she wasn’t the only one here whose heart was beating 400 beats a minute, she needed to know that she wasn’t the only one who couldn’t help but devour in the sight of the other, to inhale in her air, to breathe from her lips, to touch her skin so lightly as if she had set fire on it.

“Oh, Clarke, I’m drunk, after all these years, I’m still drunk on you.”

_White sheets, bright lights, crooked teeth, and the night life.  
You told me this is right where it begins._

The uncertainty and restraint dissolved in a wave of lust and joy. She kissed her hard. One arm went around her as she fell beside Lexa onto the furs. Her kisses trailed down her neck, nibbling at her earlobe constantly till Clarke made a yelp. Yes, that was her pulse point. Clarke’s hands delved into her thick hair as she brought her mouth over hers. There was a mild taste of rum in her breathe as Clarke’s tongue begged for entrance which Lexa gave to her with any hesitance. 

Clothes were getting disregarded far too fast, Lexa already jumping to get rid of her buttons, cursing mildly when she couldn’t get them undone fast enough as Clarke danced around Lexa buttoned up top, unzipping one at a time, all the while almost grinding their bodies together. She didn’t know how exactly but now Clarke lay with her with on the bed, her white blouse somewhere on the ground and she gasped at the sharp exquisite shaft of pleasure that shoot through her as Lexa’s palm covered her breasts. She became aware of the rising liquid heat between her legs and irresistible urge to press closer against her.

_But your lips hang heavy underneath me.  
And I promised myself I wouldn't let you complete me._

When Clarke moved her, lifted her lips to match her rhythm, Lexa tensed involuntarily and she paused, her eyes searching the forest ones.

“What’s wrong? You don’t want this?”

“Yes, oh yes, I want this”, she hesitated. Then said in a rush, “But I’m scared”

“Of what?”

Clarke, pushed back the strand of hair from her sweaty forehand as she caressed Lexa’s cheeks. Her flushed cheeks and dilated green eyes, even in the hollowness of the night, they could always take her breathe away.

“I’m not like before Clarke. I’m scared of disappointing you, of not giving you what you what.”

Clarke very well knew what she was pointing as. Her eyes, tender, she spoke, “You are enough, Lexa. You are more than enough.”, as she bent over to lock lips with her lover.

“Let me make love to you, Clarke,” she whispered as her hands moved under her tattered skirt, releasing the ribbon at her waist. Her clothing fell aside, Lexa stilled to gaze down at her naked figure. Her holy grail. In three years, her beauty has increased exponentially, it was as if time had failed to touch her. The perfection of her curves, the sweet mold of her soft breasts, her flush read skin, Lexa

didn’t know how lucky she could get. Clarke felt her stare, but it was admiring her and oddly she felt almost naked in her vision, she literally was but naked without any walls, any barriers. Just them tonight, just Clarke and Lexa.

“You are so beautiful, Clarke Griffin,” as Lexa licked her collarbone.

_I'm trying not to let it show, that I don't want to let this go.  
Is there somewhere you can meet me?_

Clarke pulled back the covers the bed, placed her hand on her knee and painfully slowly she skimmed them higher and higher, her thumbs dipping to skim the line of Lexa’s panties, slipping under the fabric but not yet touching her where she wanted, needed her the most.

“Clarke, please,”  Lexa groaned seriously.

Her nimble fingers went from caressing Lexa’s boobs as she trailed down a wet line of kisses down her toned stomach muscles. She grabbed the girl by the waist, making their bodes flush against one another as her hand purposefully slid down between her legs, feeling the brunette tight dripping wetness.

“All this because of me , huh,”  Clarke teased to the flustered Lexa

Clarke’s thumb was pressed firmly against Lexa’s clitoris causing her to moan out her name and the tantalizing circles that she was drawing on her back made Lexa insane.  Lexa ran her hands down Clarke’s torso as they kissed making the blonde pant in her mouth. Lexa took a hold of her fine ass and pressed her toned right thigh between Clarke’s legs giving her the friction that even Clarke didn’t realize she needed until then.

“Jesus, Lexa ,”  screamed Clarke as she rolled her hips grinding on Lexa’s thigh.

_'Cause I clutched your arms like stairway railings.  
And you clutched my brain and eased my ailing._

 

Lexa hooked one finger on Clarke’s underwear, dragging them down and she could reach and massage Clarke’s vulnerable swollen area. She gasped as she inserted a finger into Lexa , shortly followed by a second one and began pumping into her.

Each thrust Clarke did fell in co-ordination with the rhythm of grating on Lexa’s hands. Lexa felt her hand being grinded upon as her fingers were now being sensually lathered  in Clarke’s juices which made her stomach tie up in knots, a fire igniting in the realms of herself that ached her to break through.

“I’m near , so near “ Clarke Lexa panted out

“I know, I’m too…”  came a soft out of breathe response

Lexa moved her hand and without so much a warning she entered Clarke with a force of three fingers making the blonde beauty crumble beneath her as waves of aching pleasure and pain swept her bay, Lexa matched Clarke’s thrust into hers as she brought her into the cusp with her.

“Clarke…”

“Lexa…”

_You're writing lines about me; romantic poetry._  
_Your girl's got red in her cheeks, 'cause we're something she can't see._  
_And I try to refrain but you're stuck in my brain._  
_And all I do is cry and complain because second's not the same._

Their respective screams reverberated through the apartment as the river broke through issuing out in all directions. Clarke cried out, arching backward to accept her, feeling their bodies fuse together in that instant like molten lead. They were one.

Clarke, blinked, her eyelids heavy.

Lexa pulled away, muttering a “I’m too heavy, Prisa” but Clarke reached out to her to keep her where she was. But still she slipped. Clarke would gladly bear her weight but had Lexa moved to make her feel comfortable but Clarke felt empty.

Clarke’s eyelids fluttered. Sleep overtook her far too quickly before she could hear a soft, “I love you” that was left hanging in the darkness of the bedroom. Lexa took one last look at Clarke, the small calmed rise and fall off her chest and placing her face onto her chest she welcomed sleep with open arms.

_I'm sorry but I fell in love tonight._  
_I didn't mean to fall in love tonight._  
_You're looking like you fell in love tonight._  
_Could we pretend that we're in love?_

Whether it was the mild shivers that slowly ran her spine or the emptiness on the other side of her bed that woke her up, Clarke couldn’t remember, but when she saw that she was alone in her hotel room, it felt a punch in her gut. She rolled out of bed and glanced at the clock on the night stand. 11. 45 Am. Really? They did return late, ok that was an understatement, they had returned very late the previous night around 3 am, so it was ok to be up this late.

Clarke while rolling up her jeans and a pulling on a tank top , she looked around for Lexa. She wasn’t indeed there. Picking up her phone, she dialed Lexa but only a minute later she noticed Lexa’s phone ringing underneath the covers of the bed sheets. If her phone was here then Lexa had to come back, so Clarke went for the bathroom. Brushing her teeth and trying her utmost to tame her unruly hair was a fight that Clarke definitely wouldn’t win today.

 When the sound of the shutting of a door caught Clarke’s attention , she poked her head out of the bathroom. Lexa stood, her backside towards Clarke’s in her yesterday’s khaki pants and a totally crunched shirt, setting down a coffee on the table. Clarke finally heaved out an a breathe of  relief and she almost ran to Lexa and hugged her from her behind. For a moment she could feel Lexa going stiff, then she relaxed. It wasn’t until she had turned her face towards Clarke that she noticed Lexa’s stoic expressionless face.

With eyes wet with unshed tears, Lexa turned to look at Clarke.  She circled her thumbs on her soft skin, gaping at her, trying to memorize her face.

“Your coffee’s getting cold, Clarke”

Lexa moved only a few steps away from her but to Clarke it felt miles.

“Where’s yours?”, Clarke took her beverage in her hand and asked Lexa.

Lexa gave a nonchalant shrug.

“I was thinking about showering and I have heard morning sex is the shower is exhilarating. So wanna join?” Clarke put the cup down as she started stripping herself down in her bathrobe.

Lexa stood her ground, passive. She just stared out at the streets, didn’t even move to acknowledge her sentence nor the way Clarke was eyeing her.

“ I have called the reception to book me a ride back to my apartment.”

Lexa stated her statement too much as a matter of fact-ly almost making Clarke’s head spin at her.

“Oh? You have work? I don’t mind, we could always ----   “

“No.” Just one word. A No.  And it made Clarke stop all her activities. She knew something was wrong the minute Lexa had rejected almost downright her shower opinion but that no was too harsh to ignore. Panicked wormed inside Clarke. She almost ran towards Lexa, holding her by her arms.

“Then what? What’s wrong?”

Clarke’s angry demeanor collapsed under Lexa’s glassy stare.

Lexa took her time as she looked at Clarke. _Was she deliberately being this obtuse? How could she not know? How did she forget to tell me or was it a payback, a sick joke to her all this while?_

“How could you forget to tell me?”, displeasure and resentment was lashed in Lexa’s tone.

“Tell you what?,” Clarke couldn’t pinpoint to exactly what Lexa was pointing at.

Lexa pushed Clarke’s back towards into the cupboard, pulled up Clarke’s left hand and grabbed her as firm as she could as she circled out the region where her ring should have been, “This. You forgot to tell me you were already someone else’s.”

Despite the pain, the guilt shot up Clarke’s body faster than a bullet, her blue eyes watered in an instant. She knew what she had done.  But she didn’t know how Lexa knew? It didn’t matter anyways, she knew now.  Clarke had thought so many times that this time maybe she would tell Lexa but that time, that right moment never came and somehow in the warmth of Lexa, she forgot all about Bellamy. She felt like a hypocrite, a back-stabber.

Lexa immediately let go off Clarke when she saw her falling from the sky. She hated Clarke at that moment but she also knew Clarke. She knew her well enough to know that maybe this was how things were supposed to turn out. Clarke should have told her, she should have told her a million times but would it have changed anything for Lexa? No. She would still crave for her, like she was that northern star in Lexa’s sky that was within her reach yet out of it. Even if Clarke couldn’t be hers, Lexa had one solace this was hers for a night. Lexa sat back on the bed, her mien screamed defeat.

“I couldn’t find my phone and I thought that it might be in your hand bag and as I was going through it, you know what I found? I mean you can probably guess it by now, a princess cut diamond ring.”

The way, Lexa spit the word “princess” made Clarke nauseous.

“I have no excuses but I did try, Lexa, I did try to tell you but somewhere along the lines lost it.”

Clarke slumped on her bed beside Lexa, holding her tightly by the waist and placed her head on her shoulders. Inaudible tears raced down their cheeks and a silent prayer that Clarke chanted, “I’m sorry”

It was the ringing of Lexa’s phone that alerted her that she had to go. She slowly pulled herself out of Clarke’s grip but she held her close.

“Why aren’t you angry with me?”

Lexa didn’t push her away but she didn’t even look up at her, it was too hard. Instead she cradled closer to her bode, as if seeking shelter from the raging storm.

“I’m angry with you”

“Why don’t you hate me?”

Clarke’s voice was so small. She was sniffing her nose, trying to halt her dam when it rains, it pours.

“Oh, I’m trying not to, because”

Lexa didn’t know how else to answer. It had so many reasons to hate her, to demean her but what can you do when despite how grave the mistake was, Clarke was sorry. She was truly sorry. And Lexa couldn’t hate Clarke even if she tried, you can’t hate the person, you love so much but no, she wouldn’t tell her that. Things were already a mess; she couldn’t just make it messier.

“Because? Because what Lexa, look at me? Look at me please.”

Clarke pushed Lexa, holding up her up her chin but Lexa didn’t look at her. Because? Because wasn’t a good enough reason.

“I can’t. I can’t look you in your eyes and not hate you.”

_We knew where we were headed right from the start, but it doesn’t hurt any less and now there’s winter in my heart._

The velvety _touch_ of Clarke’s lips ignited a desire in Lexa’s body as she kissed her on Lexa’s closed eyelids.  Clarke’s lips moved onto in light symphony upon hers, tentative, patient and almost as if searching for reassurance but Lexa pushed her away.

“We didn’t promise each other anything, so you don’t owe me an explanation, neither do I seek one, but at least have that minimum decency to not toy with me anymore. I’m only human, Clarke.”

It had just been 52 hours and 23 minutes since she had last seen or spoken to her. And it was killing her. Lexa didn’t know such pain existed, to bleed so profusely yet to one’s superficial view you were perfectly alright.

Lexa never liked to talk about her parents. At 2, she lost them but what most people didn’t know or what she didn’t bother telling them was that maybe she was that unholy reason. The car or what Indra had told her, had been pretty much t-boned by some drunk driver and it had been almost a miracle that she had survived. _Yes, but at what cost? At the death of your parents._ But she had told Clarke about them, during their summertime in California.

_I’m unlucky, Clarke._

_Clarke hugged her from behind, But I’m lucky to have you._

_Huh. Irony,_

It was all too good to be true anyway.

Her chief editor has unofficially congratulated her for being only one of the handful few who would be travelling with an illustrious TV show, circumnavigating the eastern world, portraying from their culture to their best touring places, everything in a nut-shell would be held up to the viewers via the small screen and Lexa would be their new travelling and hosting mate.  

Word was that she might even be missing New Year’s in New York, something about which didn’t quite settle nicely with Lexa but this would sky-rocket her career and no way in hell was she letting it go. Not that, there was anything else holding back in NY, anyway.

Lexa didn’t know what had gotten into her, but she dialed Costia who was just as shocked to hear from Lexa, just as Lexa was shocked to have been actually calling her. _In hopes to mend some broken bridges,_ that was all Lexa said through her phone and Costia agreed wordlessly.

“Our usual place?”

“Monarch’s Court at 7? I’ll make the reservations.”

“It’s a date, Cos.”

That was another thing they both had missed, their harmless flirting. That was one of the many things, they had missed, the first being each other’s friends, but maybe this was a start and for once things looked promising.

“It’s a date, Lexa.”

It had just been 52 hours and 35 mins since she last heard from her. It had been only 21 unanswered calls, 12 voicemails and about 28 unvoiced messages since Lexa had talked to her and Clarke hadn’t felt this hollowness in herself. It was almost as if someone has punctured a hole in her and to add salt to it, Bellamy had decided to apparently surprise her with his visit, only 15 hours ago and she could hear the going-away bells ringing in her head .

She couldn’t get over the sorrow look on Bellamy’s face when she declined almost all offers of him to go out with him. She almost flinched when he had come over to touch her and the shock that waved over his features wasn’t too hard to over-look. Lexa’s touch was scarred all over her and for some reason letting another touch you, someone not her felt fake.

She could feel Bellamy pulling away from her, she ended up suggesting going out for dinner and knowing this was her last day in New York, she thought _might as well go all out._

Monarch’s Court, that had been the suggestion of Anya. _Which was Lexa’s go-to place as well._ Plaining up the front of her black cocktail dress she drummed her fingers on the wooden plank of the bar, waiting for Bellamy who had been gone now of 25 mins.

With the much-awaited knock on her shoulder she didn’t get much look on the other person, words on her tongue which she immediately held back on seeing Costia?

“Hello, Clarke. Waiting for a table?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you should definitely join us then. Lexa is sort of a kicked puppy/sullen koala mood and you…”

“I don’t think….”

“Hey, babe, the line’s like epic and ….”

“Hello?”

Costia politely intruded but nonetheless questioned the other man’s sudden appearance to the blonde’s side and the questionable endearment. Her eyes shoot up to Clarke, almost in accusation.

Clarke felt a lump in her throat but she overcame it, “This is Bellamy Blake, my fiancé.”

The jovial Blake flanked out his hand, a smile already playing out on its own but Costia took a long, lasting look at Clarke before giving out a small smile, “Costia Frost, Clarke’s friend, if I may say so. We should head to the table.”

Clarke had immediately fallen short, nodding her head in a big no but Bellamy almost took her within his wings, “The more the merrier.” But it was in total contrast to the grave look that Costia directed to her before leading the way.

Lexa sat in her long summer dress awaiting for Costia and their food. She had finally spoken and listened to her about well, sort of everything just not about Clarke and her engagement to another. Her mind was dwindling on whether or not she should tell her. But Cos was her best friend and in a friendship there was no space nor a need to hide. So she was going to tell her.

Lexa got up from her seat to greet Costia but she was cut short of by a hush “We have company.” She turned around to the intruders and there was Clarke Griffin in flesh and skin, accompanying a fair skinned boy with her.

Clarke looked up to Lexa who looked sinfully ravishing in her dress, hiding her long legs underneath the clothing. She could feel green eyes burning her skull in a death glare but she tried her best not to look in her eyes because she knew one she looked there would be no turning back. She felt warm eyes encircle her waist and a flush of skin on her right side. Bellamy, naively, unaware of the heated stares held out his hand in recognition, “ Bellamy Blake, I’m …

“Clarke’s fiancé.”

The two words made two pairs of eyes look up to Lexa, one almost demanding an explanation for not mentioning this chunk of a detail , a harsh whisper, “ _You knew?”_ and the other pair in clothed hurt and guilt, _“I’m so very sorry.”_

“Lexa Woods, Clarke’s interviewer and friend, if I may say so.”

Lexa didn’t bother shaking the hand as she kept hers folded on her lap, her appetite gone and now all she wanted was to be left alone. For a brief moment, Clarke and Lexa wondered what would happen if Bellamy put the 2 and 2 together, _that this Lexa was that Lexa, the 3 years ago and both waited for the other shoe to drop but nothing happened._

If Lexa had been in an unbiased situation, but she was not, she would have said that Bellamy Blake was polar opposite of Clarke, from likes to dislikes, from lifestyles to even their view of life but yes, he appeared to be a good for nothing man, with a dry sense of jokes which she was sure he had mugged up from the net, a boring next door boy persona with that obnoxious boyish charm and that vile need to be in the center stage. For a moment, Lexa even questioned herself that maybe if it was because if these “boys” that she preferred women.

But it didn’t escape her sight as how Clarke appeared in a light mood around him, the easy smiles that came to her with those stupid jokes and the way Bellamy cared for her. It shone in his eyes. That warmth, that happiness, that love. Lexa had travelled far and wide, she had seen enough people to know that look. Yes, Bellamy Blake is in love with Clarke.

Lexa had to turn away from him so that she couldn’t see it. It hurt. And it didn’t help when he had brushed off any of their offer of paying from the dinner. Nor when he roughed up some passerby for not watching his step as he had toppled over to Lexa’s left leg. It didn’t help, because he was a good man and he loved Clarke. And she would be happy with him.

Lexa stood watching her own reflection on the mirror, in the restaurant’s bathroom. The way she gripped the edge of the white tiled basin, it was a miracle that her fingers hadn’t yet stopped its circulation. She looked back up into the mirror and for such weird reason, she felt as if it was mocking her.

Are you where you always dreamt to be? Yes.

But are you where you always wanted to be? Yes. She stammered in her own thoughts. No.

A selfish person, is what you are. A chaser of dreams running after them so far that you have lost your way back home. So far, you have run that you have left behind those people who wanted you, you ran with vengeance with an urge to prove yourself to the world, that you had turned cold, your empty promises they ring in your ears. You fought so hard for your life that you have survived and almost never lived, not fully. Not when you were absent emotionally. A cripple not only physically but also interiorly. Lexa didn’t know what came over her, but with full vigor she punched the glass in front of her.

The force with which she had hit it, hit her back maybe in thrice the strength as she felt not only the glass crack and even felt the bones in her fingers crack. She had succumbed to more pain but just a few misplaced bones did make her curse a few times, even though she tried her best not to.

The pain had maybe numbed her senses so much that she almost didn’t feel long slender fingers touch her now swollen hand. Lexa flinched automatically on the contact and any remark or comment that was on the tip of her tongue vaporized as she caught the teary and almost begging eyes of Clarke Griffin.

“Ouch.”

“Sorry. I don’t think it’s broken but you should have it checked just to be on the safe side.”

Clarke waited of the girl to say something but she didn’t. She stood, facing the washroom mirror nudging about the thin layer of the cloth that had been wrapped around her wound.

“Lexa, I… I don’t know what to say.”

“How very eloquent of you.” Lexa snarled out. But her voice became timid, as if tired. “He seems good.”

“Yes, he is.”

Upon hearing Clarke’s reply, Lexa looked up to see Clarke’s reflection in the mirror and even there she could see that still stint of joy, care and _love?_ for “Bellamy”. That night when Lexa had confessed her love for, she felt a bit hurt when she had seen that Clarke hadn’t heard it but now she almost thanked that she didn’t hear it. She would have appeared such a fool in front of Clarke. A fool for wishing for her lost love. A love she could let go off.

“You care for him.” Clarke perked at Lexa’s blunt statement. “He’s good for you, Clarke. He’s what you need, who you should be with.”

“Lexa, what are you… “ Lexa wasn’t even going to let Clarke explain, _what was there to explain anyway? She left, Clarke found someone else, it’s not like she told her to wait. Let go. Let go._

“He’s everything I’m not or I’ll be. He’ll keep you happy.”

Clarke wasn’t even getting to voice her thoughts. It was more like Lexa was doing a monologue, repeating lines like she had already prepared them, and the more Clarke tried to stop her, the more she was shunned out.

“I called a cab to pick me up. I’m leaving for Melbourne for an assignment soon enough Clarke, so it doesn’t matter.”

Yes, in other small words, Lexa was running. It was always easier to her, to run than face her problems. So she decided to hide her fear in the false shroud of her dreams.

“How doesn’t it matter? It matters to me, why doesn’t it matter to you?”

“I can’t stay.”

Lexa couldn’t stay. She just couldn’t stay and watch her go away. She knew that her words were enraging her companion but she was simply stated the truth, the ugly truth that she wont be here to watch her happy ending.

“So after all we have been through , you won’t stay?”

“Are you asking me to?”

“I can’t make you do something you don’t want to. I can’t fight alone for us , Lexa. Do you even care?”

“I do care, I do care for you so much but you care about him as well” , Lexa insisted again.

The phone rang again. Her cab was waiting. She had to go.

“What are you… Are you even listening to me or are you just taking in voice and running them out through another? I need more than words Lexa, tell me to break it off with him and I will. I would do it because I would choose you over him., because I care for you.”

Yes, she would. Yes, being with Bellamy was safer, he was his safe world but how could one simply disregard other’s feelings. It wouldn’t be fair to neither Bellamy nor Clarke but Clarke needed a reason to fight, she wanted that reason with her when she fought and not thousand miles away.

“I can’t and you shouldn’t”, Lexa stated simply. Head over heart. She knew that she had to lose Clarke anyway and her dreams were still there with her. Her only solace.

“ I don’t understand you. Do you regret that last night didn’t happen? Because I’m someone else’s is that it? That’s why you feel so disgusted?”

Clarke paced around the room and finally pulled Lexa by the collar. She was getting tired, of fighting for everything, for every single thing to work.

“I don’t regret last night. I could never. But we deserve a proper goodbye and it couldn’t get any better than last night.”

There was that pause again, that weird awkwardness in the air, that unbearable tension.

Clarke looked up to the broken mirror, blinking her eyes to hold back the salt tears, “So that’s it then. I’m … we are leaving for California tomorrow. I guess you won’t be coming to… one last time?”

Lexa steps trembled as Clarke spoke out, but it was only she much she could take.

She put a chaste kiss on her cheek and then picking her stuff she was out of the door. And perhaps, out of Clarke’s life too.

 

  

 


	8. Coming all undone, it's time to face the Sun

She stared into the sky past the window pane, down to the ground, Lexa’s ground, that was diminishing with each breathe. He knocked up on her shoulders giving her a questioning look, _You ok?_ And Clarke had just smiled. That tight plastic one that people do so that your loved ones won’t know that havoc reigning within.

Bellamy planted a small peek on her lips, almost as if feeling her fight from within and that storm dissipated in her chest, _for the time being at least._

“You are Clarke Griffin.”

Both their heads turned to the elated air hostess who shoved in front of the _bit amused_ Clarke the NY magazine where Lexa had the front page article on “Clarke Griffin?”

She didn’t look up to say a “thanks” to the already fading hostess who had congratulated her on her success. Clarke opened up the page which portrayed that very first picture of her that Lexa had captured on their outing. Eating that pizza. Even the thought made her smile.

“Art Through the Eyes of a Novice” by Lexa Woods was lettered beautifully sculpturing her picture.

_What is exactly is art to the unpracticed eyes of a person? In the words of Degas himself, “ Art is not what you see but what you make others see.” And I saw not just an application of_ _human creative skill and imagination in a visual form of a painting, I saw the lyrics to that painting, the story blossoming in each of its strokes ……_

And Clarke tuned out the rest of the materialistic world.

 

 

Unlike Raven Reyes, Octavia met Clarke or Clarke met Octavia who happened to be each other’s roommates during Clarke’s second year in college. O had apparently been a transfer student who considered the California University could give her a better sports scholarship than Chicago University. To say that they became instant friends would be the least for O integrated herself so articulately that soon, Raven, Clarke and O became “The Sinister Trio” (the name had apparently been Ray’s idea so you must know how that usually ends up).

O didn’t need to be told twice that she was also Clarke’s best friend but she also knew that sometimes Clarke failed to convey her thoughts to her as she does with Raven.

After the Finn series, everyone knew about her aloofness, rather her indifference to relationships but it escaped no one’s view of how she had started smiling again. That goofy kind of smiling again. Even though none of them met that girl personally, the way Clarke went on chanting about her, sometimes O wondered that maybe she did know Lexa, as if she was breathing inside the said blonde.

But soon enough when things didn’t work out with that said “Lexa” she shrugged it off, in the words of Clarke herself, “all good things come to an end, so no big deal”. Eyes are the windows of your soul and perhaps the door to your heart, so whenever Clarke lied, O could see a slight ignite in those blue stormy eyes. O learnt amidst all her best friend’s empty gestures that “Lexa” was never just a crush.

If someone asks O how the hell did Bellamy enter Clarke’s life, well O wouldn’t be able to answer you. She just knew that Bell was somehow always there and yeah maybe just his constant presence was a way of how he wormed himself in Clarke.

Bellamy and Clarke, they sounded good together, they were good together, they were cute, understanding and ok, good but that was it. Bellamy was good for Clarke and Clarke was good for Bellamy, but O didn’t know but somehow it lacked that “spark”, that eternal flame. That or O just was a sucker for romantic cheesy movies.

But O was somehow always right. A talent that she shared with Reyes. And her hypothesis of sorts was cemented when she first saw Clarke, a ghost of herself would be the correct phrase. O thought that maybe it was because of her journey but even she knew that she was trying to jump out the inevitable.

No sooner than two days ago, when Abby, O, Bell, Clarke and Kane sat down to decide on the wedding date, O could see Bellamy happy and Clarke trying to be happy, and somehow that was the major flaw. You don’t try to be happy, happiness should be you. O couldn’t feel less shocked when she noticed that Bellamy maybe didn’t notice that aghast look of his fiancée, even Abby was fidgeting in her seat trying to understand the mood of her daughter.

The opening of the car door jotted O out of her thoughts when she looked up to be Raven riding shortgun with her.

“Ready, Reyes?”

“As I’ll ever be, Blake. Let’s get Griffin.

 

 

“So, where are we going?”

Clarke was called by Ray and O saying they wanted to talk about her wedding plans since they were both her maids of honours of sorts. Clarke had been hesitant but Ray’s constant nagging was something she had yet to get accustomed with.

“A drive.”, O answered from her seat.

“A long drive.” , Raven said from hers.

“What’s with the sudden vagueness?”

O didn’t answer, looking up front the road and Raven snorted, adjusting her Ray Ban

It wasn’t until they came to the outskirts of the city with the never-ending road stretching ahead your north and south with almost very few or no forms of humanity, that the car came to a halt. The direction on the roadside placard wrote, Grover Beach – 30 Kms. Clarke didn’t realize that she just might have spaced out when Raven incessant calls brought her to reality.

“What’s going on Clarke?”

Clarke snapped, “Why, something should have been going on?”

O looked back to Clarke, “My, aren’t you being a sarcastic bitch days?”

“I think you need an intervention”, Raven declared all the while scampering to the backseat bedside Clarke.

“From what?”

“From yourself? I don’t know, what do you think?”, _Duh, thought Raven._

“Did you meet Lexa?”

The way Clarke’s head jerked at Raven for putting it out in the open so bluntly, glaring at her as she flicked her eyes towards Octavia who didn’t say anything, who didn’t even appear to be surprised.

“You told her? When I told you not to?”

“Blame the alcohol-testing, Monty subjected me to. And the sub-conscious drunk Raven might have slipped it, I swear I didn’t, I never meant to. After a second, she added, I’m sorry Clarke.”

“Why shouldn’t she have told me? Is it because I’m your fiancé’s sister -----------

The way Octavia said it with a grief-stricken look on her face, Clarke had to nod her head in a negative.

\------------ or because Lexa used to a crush? I mean, what’s the deal. Everyone has stupid crushes, they are like shitting tides, right Clarke?”

Clarke didn’t utter anything, she just sat at their backseat. Pacified. She might even appear a bit green exteriorly too, probably because she left on a empty stomach.

“Did something her, Clarke?”

No sooner the question was left to hung mid-air, with lightning speed, Clarke ran out of the car and went to the roadside to vomit out whatever the heck was grovelling inside. Raven and O ran out to her, holding out a bottle of water to her.

“You ok?”

“Clarke, are you ok?”

“Yes.”

The sun seemed to hot and for once she wished if she should get burned alive in it. Her eyes were already betraying her voice and without much ado, she found herself in the middle of a tight hug.

“I want “it” to be Bellamy, O. _I need it to be Bellamy_.” Clarke said amidst her warm tears

“I know, Princess.”

“I do love him, guys.”

“We know.” _But you love her more_ , they wanted to add.

“Stop crying,” Clarke sniffled out. “Why are you crying?”

“Well you won’t stop crying anytime soon, so what kind of friends would we be if we let you cry alone, huh?” , ok so when Ray says things like that even dwarf grumpy would have had to smile.

She didn’t know how long, but it was O’s voice, her words that ghosted her dreams, “Griffin, we are the trio and you’ll always find me by your side but I’m also Bell’s sister. Do right by him too.

_There are more hearts at stake than just yours, Clarke.”_

 

 

She felt Bellamy behind her, felt his hands slowly move up to her waist, pulling her into him. She felt his lingering kiss on her cheek, as he slowly crept down wet kisses down her neck, brushing aside her hair. She thought it would feel right but somehow inside the pit of her stomach, it felt wrong. She knew it was wrong. When Bellamy twirled her around, Clarke shut her eyes, hoping that maybe he would evade that emptiness that was swimming in herself.

Bellamy knew Clarke, much more than he let on, so when he felt the tensed muscles of her, he knew that something was wrong. He could almost feel her catch a breath of surprise when he twirled her around to face him. For a moment he stood agape when he saw Clarke, her eyes shut but a small stream of water had yet found its passage past her eyelids.

“What’s wrong, Clarke?”

Clarke didn’t open her eyes. Like a 5-year-old she nodded her head, as if implying nothing was wrong, except her whole demeanor screamed quite the opposite.

“Hey, before we are anything, we are friends. As a friend, tell me what’s the matter? Come on, Clarke, if you won’t tell me what’s wrong my mind’s gonna wander to all sorts of had places, ok?”

“I can’t do this anymore, Bell. I just can’t.”

“Wha- ? I don’t understand, help me understand.”

“I can’t do us. I’m so sorry.”

Bellamy knew something gravely wasn’t right. But he didn’t know that the “us” that he had thought Clarke and he was, was the wrong thing.

“I can’t, shouldn’t marry you, vow myself to you when all the while I know I’ll be regretting it. You don’t deserve that, I don’t deserve that. Nobody deserves that.”

Clarke felt lightheaded so she found herself the support of the armchair. She knew she had opened the gates to a millennium of questions but they were all overdue anyway.

“Who is it? Is it that Lexa? Did you sleep with her?”

The sheer plea, that desperation in Bellamy’s voice when he asked her that made Clarke a wish to punch the wall. Maybe the ache will limit the guiltiness that slowly plagued her, to help her find her voice but none came out. The silence that followed gave Bellamy the answer that he needed.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you ----“

But Clarke’s eyes stared him right in the eye, for she did bed Lexa. She did made love to her that night and what was worse was it felt so right. It felt right even when she was engaged to another and yet again on that unholy night Clarke’s voice betrayed her. And she knew that Bellamy knew and when she felt that echoing of pain on her right cheek seeping down herself, she didn’t flinch. She deserved it after all.

“Huh, you made a pretty great fool out of me. Did you, um, did you even ever love me or I ----- “

“I did, Bell. I do. I still love you. I just ----“

“You just love her more.”

Yes, Clarke did. She did and when she heard Bellamy say those words which she wanted so badly to avoid, it hit like a ton of bricks. Everyone knew about Lexa, the great love of Clarke, how she had pieced back her infinite pieces only to have broken it down too many more.

They all knew. And so did Bellamy. Bellamy had his guesses but when he saw that smile on Clarke’s face, that whole-room-illuminating-peaceful-smile, back when he went to surprise her in NY, he knew that Clarke was happy.

Maybe the happiest he had seen in his time. He couldn’t say that it didn’t hurt an ounce, it did, but to see your loved one’s smile, even if it’s not because of you, makes you smile to. He even remembered that heart wrenching look on her face when she had boarded that plane, the way she led onto that chestnut haired girl – Lexa at that restaurant, the way she trailed down the heights as the plane rose and the ground shimmered down into nothing but mere dots, counting them as if she was leaving a part of her in the realms of NY.

“I tried so hard not to. I did, Bell, I did. But the more I tried, the more it was as if avoiding the inevitable.”

And this hurt even more. Bellamy knew that Clarke wasn’t lying, she tried. He knew that she tried, he had that faith in her and that’s why it hurt even more, to have faith and watch it crumble, your sandcastle. Clarke slowly pulled out the ring from her left finger and handed it over to Bellamy.

“I made it for you. What will I do with it?”

“Improvise it a bit more, I guess and give it to someone who deserves it.”

“Does she know?”

“Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t. I don’t know.”

“You won’t tell her?”

“I don’t know even if there’s an us. I don’t know what to tell her when she had given up on us, when’s she’s a freaking thousand miles away in some place living her dreams, those which would never involve me. It’s so tiring sometimes, you know.”

_Clarke, you should let her go._

_Clarke, she might love you but not as much as you do._

_Clarke, you’ll only end up hurting more._

Clarke had tried. She did. But when she thought about it, maybe she didn’t try too hard, maybe some sadistic part of her loved to be burnt in the flames of Lexa Woods.

“As one friend to another, move on from her, Princess.”

Bellamy gave her a tight smile, Princess, no matter what they were, she will always be Princess to him.

Clarke gave a bitter laugh _. Yeah, right._

“Yeah, one day or maybe forever. It takes as long as it takes.”

She snuffled as she felt strong arms engulf her tightly. Maybe this was how this was supposed to end, but still it hurt. Sometimes, she wished if loving someone could hurt anymore. But she also knew, Lexa was worth it and no matter how much she would bitch about her, at the end of the day, she loved her for all she was.

“I’m sorry, Bellamy.”

“Me too, Clarke. Me too.”

 


	9. They say, It's always darkest before dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

It felt too right to be wrong.

It felt so strong that she gave up her almost marriage.

It felt so unbreakable that she crossed state lines to fell close to Lexa.

 

Today was New Year’s Eve. A farewell to the bygone year, with it’s tears and fears and inviting the upcoming year. Another new year. Another chance. Another hope for a fresh start.

Today was New Year’s Eve and she sat alone with a steaming cup of Gustus’s special coffee warming up her comatose palms. Well, she wasn’t exactly alone, but even in the off-beat café, she could almost see couples and families holding their hands together, waiting to usher in the new year.

It's easy to feel ambivalent about New Year's Eve in New York -- the entire city is overrun with wasted jerks who throw up in cabs and singing too loudly on the subway, but there's also something a little depressing about staying in and watching _Moonstruck_ with your aging cat. _Even though Clarke didn’t own a cat, though she might be rethinking her decision now._ She sat almost at the farthest corner of the café, her eyes unconsciously drifting to the still darkened lights of Lexa’s apartment building

. Clarke had almost memorized which floor’s was Lexa’s and time and again she would peek up to the towering building counting the floors to the 5th one, hoping just hoping that maybe the lights in her apartment would somehow lit her path to find her way back home.

Lexa had told her once that ask her where she would be any day of the year, she might not know but if someone asked her where she would be on New Year’s Eve, two words would always dance on the tip of her tongue, New York. _New York, it’s home._

 

Today was New Year’s Eve and still Lexa wasn’t home. And Clarke somehow didn’t want to puncture a hole in the such a radiant atmosphere that was brimming with life, so she had decided to go, maybe sulk in her room but Gustus held her back. His thoughts for the day, no one and he meant no one should spend New Year alone.

Clarke had moved to NY almost 1 month prior. She had bought herself the much barren, abandoned yet spacious space above the Trikru gallery and somehow after almost putting her heart and soul, not to forget manual labor in it, she had integrated the gigantic wooden space into what now seemed, an extension of her own self. With art, she could create a whole new world every day, she could uplift its beauty into another dimension, she brought forth beauty from beauty and those her journey it was that undying ghost of Lexa’s that outlived through each stroke of her brush.

Anya had been a throne in her side was quite some time now, urging her, no almost planning to kick her cute blonde ass to the curb if she didn’t attend her New Year’s party. Despite her much hated snarky comments and I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, Clarke could almost see Anya missing her friend, her hitched voice on recalling any stupid tale of Lexa and her threats of incarcerating Lexa for missing out her party and more so for never returning her calls. _Well, it seemed that Clarke wasn’t the only one left waiting._

Clarke somehow believes that Anya believes that Clarke’s pain of losing Lexa has too much momentum to which Anya’s loss of her friend felt weak but missing a loved one, one way or the another, that pain was never too small to ignore.

_I miss her too, Anya._

Those had been her parting words to Anya before she slipped amidst the gathering grounds and made her way to Gustus’s café. _Coming here felt like she was an inch close to Lexa,_ moist tears almost making her vision blurry on the passing scene.

It was 11.35 pm. Just 25 mins more to go.

 

Lexa Woods stared at the picture. The one the old man took on the Empire Building. It looked good. And the feeling felt great. Lexa wished that she could just dive in and relive that moment again and again and again. _Clarke by her, her hands in hers. Just like that. Just like it should have been._

Lexa didn’t even bother to go home, instead she sat on an empty bench with her trolley back on the side. She felt defeated and she missed Fluffy. She felt like forever since she lad last since him, but always being in-between travels it was hard yet Lexa knew that he was in good hands, Luna would make sure of it.

 

Even though Lexa had left for Melbourne two months ago, she didn’t stay at one place for long. Lexa had been given _the once in the lifetime kind of opportunity_ of being the co-host of a travelling show, and hence she moved from one place to another, more often. But unlike the last few years, when she would have gladly jumped at the chance of doing so, she left a hole in her heart.

Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra, Brisbane…. Passed through her like those scenes that one would feel flicker by in their periphery during a train journey. They vibrated in life, in happiness, in love and the more time Lexa dwelled up this emptiness in her heart, the one it became cleared, as if the fog that had been clogging her vision had suddenly dissipated in the sun’s morning flames. _Clarke Griffin._ She contemplates how she had through away her phone into the depth of the Australian sea in pure frustration when she hadn’t figured it out sooner.

The fast growing cities of New Zealand only made her love for Clarke echo more and more. Each piece that Lexa wrote and sent to NYT magazine, acclaim came more and more but everything felt lost. Repeated. Aimless. The one thing that Lexa fell in love with, writing and exploring were soon being shifted to the second priority in Lexa’s bucket list as Clarke mercilessly gained herself the top spot

Lexa crossed countries and oceans, leaving her job behind for Clarke. This time, Lexa knew what love felt like. Because when Lexa was on the very edge on drowning herself, it was Clarke who made her live a bit more. Because when they were together, Lexa forgot the rest.

Because Clarke was the star in her universe, and Lexa wanted her to spend every day shining her light up her way. Because, just because Lexa wanted to remember what Clarke’s hand felt like in hers for the rest of her life. And for her, Lexa had crossed countries and oceans, just for her.

 

Her trip to California had been pretty a spur in the moment like of phenomenon but she knew what she wanted to tell Clarke, those three words, that were stuck like a lump in her throat, blocking her breathing passage, pinching her ribcage. Those three words.

She didn’t know what exactly she exacted until she was 10 steps from the Griffin residence. That was precisely when reality settled in. Today was New Year’s Eve and Lexa Woods stood mere countable steps away from Clarke and she didn’t know if she was going to meet a Mrs. Blake or still Miss. Griffin.

The trolley bag on her side felt heavy and for a miniscule of a second she thought maybe she shouldn’t have come here. But then again, she needed to see Clarke. Maybe for a final time if so be it. But she needed to see her, if she was happy or not and just maybe Lexa would tell her those 3 words that she was carrying in her heart’s pocket.

Inhaling in one final time, when Lexa knocked on the Griffin residence, seeing Bellamy Blake hadn’t exactly been on her go-to list.

“I was beginning to wonder when you would actually knock. 20 mins in that frozen hell, it’s a wonder you haven’t crystallized.”

Lexa had awkwardly stood at the doorway, hesitating before asking, “Is Clarke here?”

Bellamy looked over to Lexa, her beauty, the powerful aura that evoked from her, her strength, all had not gone unnoticed by him. His wounds were still fresh as yesterday and seeing Lexa and only reopened them to be contaminated again. Bellamy studied Lexa whose eyes darted through the Griffin household.

“She isn’t.”

Lexa’s face fell, she immediately sought to backtrack her steps but Bellamy was quick enough to add, “She hasn’t been here for quite some time now.”

“Oh? But aren’t you………"

Lexa hung it mid-air, she dareth finish that unholy sentence.

“She called it off. And if you must know, she is living in New York, has been for the past 2 months. “ The touches pain were still evident in his voice, too fresh, too soon.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Bellamy. I’m.”

“Yes. I know. She is too.”

“Can you tell me----“

“Do you know where -----“

Bellamy scribbled some address on the note of page before handing it over to Lexa, “I hope you both find whatever you are looking for. Happy New Year, Lexa.”

“Happy New Year to you too.”

 

 

Lexa had taken the first flight out to NY which she did pretty much by abusing her power as a reporter but she couldn’t care less. The thin paper clasped tightly in her hands felt wet in the growing heat of her palms as she walked up the steps to her apartment. Only to find it closed. She had waited for about 2 hours before she found her lone self on a seat in the bus-stop.

11.45 pm. 15 mins to go.

Her shoulders were dropping, her posture screamed defeat and all she wanted was to lay down in her bed, and never get up. Energy in the air was inviting, and the temperature was repelling Lexa. She took a deep, frozen breath as her lungs swelled with a gush of frozen air. Overhead, the sparse clouds exonerated interchangeable opening curtains to let out the young night.

Above the dimmed horizon of pines, the thrash more or less suddenly detonate into a splash of tints and patterns. The countdown had begun.

 

10... Fiery red and golden lily-livered spread into freckles of azure and whence mingle into the tone of the universe. Ruby-peach bows streak crossways the panorama and then disappeared. For a second, Clarke’s heart dropped, but then suddenly picked up to doubly its tempo when the saucy contact colours scattered crosswise the blue. With each sequential burst, the colour was a chameleon, constantly ever-changing its surrounding.

Her phone sprang to live and so did her empty heart when she saw the caller id. _Raven Reyes. And of course Octavia Blake. At least, she won’t be alone._

 

9... The liveliness was same a steaming kettle take a leak to blow. Lexa’s heartbeat accelerated, and all chemical substance in her body was unstable. The voltaic pulses in the sky vibrated and pounded into her drum with each successive firework. Lexa’s assembly line flow finally caught up to my heartbeat and they continued to speed up in an automatic clean impulse.

 

8... The explosions multiplied. A loud smasher in a puzzle out of a second caught us off guard, and we watched in astonishment, as the dangerous show continued. to each one war of sound was competing to be the...

7…

 

6…

 

5…

 

4…

 

3… Lexa’s unconscious steps led her up the foot-paths that ended at Gustus’s café. Even from afar she could see the little café standing out, probably jump-packed with people, but Lexa didn’t have the heart to come back to an empty apartment.

Every New Year’s Eve, the radiant Times Square has been the belle of the ball for New York’s spectacular countdown. The party atmosphere reign supreme as a stunning pyro musical display lights up the skies. Whether you watch it along the shoreline, from a boat on the harbor or on-high in a skyscraper, it’s a worthy watch. But doing something like that alone would only magnify her emptiness.

 

2…

 

1…

 

To Clarke, it seemed there was a momentary pause. She didn’t know she had held her breathe until she let it go when the blackened sky in front of her, corrupted in extravagant shades. Upon the stroke of midnight, the skyscrapers seemed to be engulfed within the welcoming colors of a zillion stars. The cheers from her phone might have deafened her just a bit too.

“Happy New Year, Clarkey.”

“Happy New Year, Griffin.”

“Happy New Year, Raven and O.”

The muffed up replies seemed to have even over-powered their voices, she could hear the cheer in the background of Raven’s, being surrounded with family and friends, downing glass after glass of eggnogs. Without much ado, she bid her farewell, urging them to go back to their celebrations.

The coffee in her table was untouched, cold.

“Happy New Year, Lexa.”

 

1…

Lexa’s phone vibrated with a ringtone from Doctor Who and Lexa immediately gestured in the call with a warm smile.

“Happy New Year, Lex.”

“Happy New Year, Cos.”

Within under the rain of the gazillion fireworks, Lexa could hear music barring out from Costia’s background. And a moment later, Lexa realized that she should let Costia go, she should be with her family. Cutting through Costia ample no’s and it’s ok’s, Lexa bid am early farewell to her friend before entering Gustus’s shop.

“Happy New Year, Clarke.”

The sounds of beer bottles crashing, the smashing of lips and the swaying to the beats of their own worn out music – yes, the atmosphere was quite in contrast to Clarke’s mood. She didn’t know what she hoped for when she came here, she didn’t know she would ever feel this lonely in a crowd of people, so without a goodbye, she tried to fight her way to the exit, but her blurry vision was making it difficult for her. She didn’t know that she had almost bumped into someone until she heard the other person curse underneath their breath.

 

 

The stranger’s phone slipped out of her hand and disappeared somewhere in the sea of shoes.

“Not again. God damn it.”

Clarke immediately looked up, to say how sorry she was, that she wasn’t even looking, but there seemed to be hindrance in her breathing. The stranger was almost about to rain her insults on that other person who had so clumsily bumped into her but when she looked up, Lexa was definitely a goner.

They might have been blocking the exit door for quite a few more unnecessary seconds, almost ogling each other when a gravy voice, broke them out of their trance.

"Can you move it? You are blocking the way."

"Do you wanna go outside?"

 

Clarke nodded like an obedient puppy as she followed Lexa out. She eyed the trolley bag on Lexa’s side and Lexa could hear the questions that raced up through the blonde’s mind.

"I just came back today."

"Oh."

Clarke loosened the scarf around her neck, _when did the bloody hell it get so hot?_ Her eyes darted to Lexa’s flushed skin, her slightly red nose and the swell in her eyes, almost as if she had been crying. Lexa, on the other hand, couldn’t stop from inhaling in the blonde’s face, her flustered fair skin, her messy bun and the constant sniffing. Had she been crying?

They both had so much so say but where was the beginning, where was their middle ground.

"Is it true that you are no longer engaged to Bellamy Blake?"

 

Clarke flushed, “That is not your concern, Lexa.”

 

"Then let us make it so, she said. I wasn’t going to come to NY this time, but I have travelled a long way for your reply, Clarke. I needed to hear you say it."

 

"Then you have wasted your time. How the hell did you even know?"

 

"I might have visited California to see you. To tell you. To see if you still belonged to the man to whom you have promised forever. Bellamy gave me the address to your NY apartment, I even went there but….."

Clarke was bereft of words. _Lexa had travelled to California for her? After all this while? Why now and not then? But she knew it no longer mattered, Lexa had gone, she had gone for her and nothing mattered anymore._

 

"Ok. Ok.

Clarke wasn’t even aware that she was muttering it out like a mantra, as she tried to calm the fastening of her heart muscles, _so Lexa might literally be pulsating her blood enough to give her a heart attack. Huh._

Oh. I… I don’t know…what about that travelling show of yours? I mean, Anya told me and she… it’s not like… your returned any her calls or _my calls."_

 

"Still articulate as ever, Prisa. My cell phone is dwelling somewhere in the bottom of the Australian sea, so to speak."

 

"Anger management, much?"

 

"More like annoyance management, but yes."

They both felt into simultaneous laughs but the tension that had inhabited had made it rather short-lived. And yes, honestly, small talked sucked anyway.

 

“What was it you wanted to tell me?”

Lexa told her that she wanted to tell Clarke something and she wasn’t about to go into a heartfelt confession of her midsummer’s night tales unless and until Lexa gave in. She owed her answers and this time, it was _now or never._ But had Clarke, forgotten that Lexa was too much of a smart ass for her own good? No. Of course, she wuld answer her question with another question.

“Why did you leave him?”

 

“What made you cross countries and oceans?”

 

Lexa couldn’t believe they were bantering just prior to New Year. She couldn’t believe she had missed this so much but she might have missed the answers a bit more. She wasn’t about to give in yet, but she knew that they were both running out of patience. She owed her and herself, the truth.

“What made you leave the man who loved you? _or more precisely, the man whom you loved?”_

Clarke remained unfazed by the venom that dripped from Lexa’s last question. It wasn’t fair. But when had love and war ever played by the fairness of rules?

“Why did you leave your dream?”

 

Clarke knew Lexa knew this was her retort to her question. Lexa knew that she shouldn’t have said that but when the same words had been repeating like a damn broken tape recorder in your head for too long, it becomes hard to hold them back.

“I didn’t.”

Lexa looked up directly into Clarke’s eyes, “My dream, I never left it, Clarke.

“Do you remember _you said to me once Isn’t life more than just surviving, don’t we deserve better than that?”_

“Yes.”

"I lived Clarke. At least I tried to. But even living is not enough, it needs sunshine and light. And for me, that’s you, Prisa.

I still want to travel, Clarke. It’s still my dream but I want to do it with you, by my side.”

A smile trembled on Clarke’s lips. She stepped forward and with the sleeve off her coat she wiped out that single tear that was lingering to fall from Lexa’s eyes.

 

“I left California, uprooted my life to stay here because you inspired me to chase my dreams and because living here, made me feel close to you. I did love him yes but I broke off my marriage because you can’t marry someone when you have already given your heart to someone else. To you.”

 

After a pregnant pause, Clarke asked her, “Why did you leave me if you ----- “ and this time it was Lexa who stepped and wiped the tears from her eyes.

“Because I’m broken. I was a coward. When I should have gone on my knees to you and begged you to stay with me for the rest of our lives, I ran. You complete me, Clarke Griffin. Am I too late?” _for another chance._

She paused and she saw the naked vulnerability in his face. The fear and the yearning in his eyes.

“No. I can handle a broken Lexa as long as I’m the one to glue back those pieces.”

Clarke’s hands shoot up from her resting position, pushing that single strand of hair behind her face, cupping her cold cheeks, tainted in the dry tears.

 

“I would very much like to kiss, Prisa.”

 

The shy admission made Lexa’s blood boil up like the lava inside a volcano. She felt like a hormonal teenage boy who had a problem in controlling in libido.

“I would very like that very much, Lex.”

 

Lexa nodded her head in acknowledgment, totally missing the broadcasted cue to actually go up and kiss her.

_Silly, adorable Lexa. My Lexa._

“Anytime soon, Lexa” Clarke giggled out but the dilated pupils, the labored breathing of the blonde’s, the constant shifting of eyes to her wet plump lips wasn’t lost to Lexa.

 

In an instant, her arms were around her, pulling her up close, until their breaths weren’t apart anymore, until they shared the same air. She felt again the rush of lust yielding, the surging tide of warmth piling between her thighs. And the quiet face streets of New York was blurred and drowned to nothingness .

Lexa bent back her head across her arm and kissed her, softly at first, and then with a swift gradation of intensity that made her cling to her as the only solid thing in a dizzy swaying world. Her insistent mouth was parting Clarke’s shaking lips, sending wild tremors along her nerves, evoking from her sensations that Clarke had only reminisced in her beds, time and again since their night together.

And before a swimming giddiness spun her round and round, she knew that she was kissing him back, every fiber of her being wished to inhale in her lover, their bodies flushing tight, almost grinding as she pulled Lexa up against the wall. Her thigh had a mind of it’s own as it went in between Lexa’s and the moan that elated from her lips only made Clarke’s mind fog in desire, love for more.

“I love you, Lexa Woods.”

 

Clarke spilled out her words as if she had been saying them on a regular basis to Lexa, as if time and distance had never separated them. Clarke said those words, not because of the heat of the moment but because she loved her.

“More than anything, anyone.”

This time it was Lexa who saw the vulnerability in Clarke’s eyes.

“And I love you with all my being, Prisa. You. Only you.”

 

Feverish kisses made it quite a struggle and the empty corridor and hallways were an added bonus. There was no one it sight and even if someone did see them, it didn’t matter, for love was in their air. The elevator somehow couldn’t go fast enough for Clarke who was shamelessly undressing the flustered Lexa with her blue eyes.

 

“3 years, Lexa. You have 3 years of make-up sex to live up too. I hope you can handle it.”

Lexa laughed. Can Clarke given get any more goofily adorable because Lexa hadn’t had her fill yet, she thought that she never might.

“I’ll survive, Prisa.”

 

She put a chaste kiss on the blonde’s swollen ones, “And I’ll return it with interest, too.”

As much as Lexa loved to see her lover to talk, more like obnoxious babble, she might still have preferred her to talk just a bit, only a bit less.

 

“Really Lexa ------ “

Lexa pulled her in a long kiss, almost making Clarke seize her breathe, a moan out a “Lexa”

“Hush, darling. I want your mouth to be useful at the moment and talking’s not one of them.”

Lexa dipped her head and nibbled Clarke’s ear nodes, running her wet tongue on the soft shoulder skin, sucking it between her teeth. Not too hard, but not too gentle either.

“Lexa, bed…. Now.”

 

The picture faded to black and white, an epitome of passion that had been gaining its momentum from ashes of nothing to promises for a forever, was finally unleashed when the two girls bared their souls to each other. Behind closed doors, they made love again and again and again, until they welcomed the new dawn together, entangled not only in just skin to skin, but souls entwined.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
